I thought it was a good idea at the time...

Steady as a rock in an earthquake

Fri, 01 Apr 2022 07:56:35 GMT

This is my entry for March Carnival of Aros which was hosted by Roboticanary on the topic "Stability". I chose to talk about myself using the prompt about Self Stability.

Steady as a rock in an earthquake

I doubted I would be able to write for this topic. What I knew as 'stability' has disappeared recently and I can’t say I grieve the change.

Before my life’s stability was in my sense of self and identity. I knew myself and that was enough to give me a bedrock while I scrambled through a string of short term jobs. I was not financially stable. Not even close. And interpersonally I was a bit of a mess after the death of some family, but nothing works through grief like slowly making the clearing of their house a burden. I took strength from my communities, the aromantic ones amongst them, places and things that I felt reflected a facet of the truest form of me.

My job was the first change. I am excelling in my full-time employment and I truly feel financially stable for the first time in years. I learned many skills for saving money in my bad times so now I am accumulating much faster than I spend, and it really feels good. However, my personal identity took the balancing hit and was undermined. I am now in a relationship, and for all intents and purposes it is romantic. It is possible my attraction is alterous, or platonic/sexual or some other obscure term, but I decided not to pick at it. I don’t feel it needs a term, or to be explained, it just is what it is and it makes me happy. I’m not sure if I can call myself aromantic anymore, which feels like a loss, but I like to think of the annoyed words of a post on Arocalypse from years ago when a member was sick of labels being prioritised over experiences. Basically they said, it doesn’t really matter what you call yourself, what is important is the way you move through your life. And I am definitely still doing the queer boogie through my life.

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Carnival of Aros February 2022 Round-up!

Tue, 01 Mar 2022 12:20:29 GMT

Thank you to all those who participated for putting your words forth to build the conversation in our community about community!

As a reminder of what this is all about here is a link to the original call for submissions and here is the main Carnival of Aros site where all previous round-ups and current events can be found.

We have many varied entries this month. Some are hopeful, some are dark, but they all reflect the thoughts of members of our community. So remember the individual behind the words and be nice if you are commenting. Now I am proud to be collecting them all here for your reading pleasure. I hope your sense of community is enriched and you might even discover something new 🙂

In alphabetical order:

Aro by Design: Building, Maintaining, and Nurturing Communities

aroace_auncle: I don’t mind expanding, though I don’t have any sort of blog.

Dabney: I'm participating in the Carnival of Aros, community questions :)

Ettina: Community for Me or my Baby, Not Both

Mesotablar: We are the Builders

Mundo Heterogéneo: My lack of specifically aro communities

Roboticanary: Carnival of Aros: Community

Sildarmillion: Frustrations with a community

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We are the Builders

Tue, 01 Mar 2022 10:53:29 GMT

This is my entry for February Carnival of Aros which I was hosting :)
The topic was 'Community'

We are the Builders

Communities might have buildings or spaces where they happen. They might have logos and mottos and flags. Gatherings, advertisement, events, vocabulary, celebrations, rhetoric, songs, information, symbols and statistical data.

But without individuals they are nothing.

Community is the connection we feel to the people around us. Even on the internet, if my word pixels can be next to your word pixels; If I can read experiences, thoughts and opinions then I know that there is a person behind those sentences, then we are connected. You share with me and I share with you. This is both a very fragile and a very powerful thing. In the best of times it can bring healing and empowerment! In the worst of times it can undermine your sense of self and make you feel hunted.

We as individuals make the choice to make our communities supportive or restrictive, welcoming or not.

I count myself as lucky to have discovered aromanticism and found that I can join in the ranks of all the other wonderful aro-spec people out there. By the nature of things, I only have a connection to my aro community through virtual spaces, and for me those virtual spaces have been places of empowerment. I try to give back the bounty you all have gifted to me by sharing your knowledge, experiences and opinions, of offering your connections.

I have found communities to belong in on Arocalypse, Dreamwidth, Wordpress, Tumblr, DeviantArt, Reddit and LiveJournal, even on AO3! In tiny blog posts and in sites that boast members into the hundreds. I have found stories like mine and those that are different, and with each of those stories I see an individual with a life, and my world becomes a bit richer.

But I know through pain of experience that to tie my identity to one community is a great risk, so in almost all of the places I feel I belong I use a different name. I don’t mean to be duplicitous, I just fear to be singled out and cut off from the people, the communities, that have given me so much self-awareness and healing.

I guess my little message for you dear readers is please keep striving to find new places to connect and treasure the communities you have found.

This is just the first few coins of the treasure that is out there, but here is a linkspam to give you some new places to explore:

For the Visual and Readers:
Agressively Arospec
A Carnival of Aros (list of round ups from previous months)
Agressively Arospec Week AO3 Collection
Arospec Fanworks Week AO3 Collection
Aromantic Writing Month AO3 Collection

For the Commenters:
Arocalypse
r/aromantic
r/aaaaaaaarrrrro

For the Makers:
Gen Freeform Exchange
A Carnival of Aros
Aromantic Official
Aro Worlds Tumblr
AUREA Create Pride

Link to another linkspam:
ysabetwordsmith's Follow Friday: Asexuality and Aromance special
The Aromantic and Asexual Characters Database

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Assorted Questions for Friday

Sat, 12 Feb 2022 02:37:27 GMT

Another thefridayfive

What's your favourite candle scent?

It is called Hansel and Gretel's House, and it is an actual fragrance oil. A close second is good French Vanilla scent.

Do you have an artistic or crafty hobby? What is it?

I used to do quite a lot, but recently it has just been writing. The last thing I attempted craft-wise was origami roses but I got caught on a step and couldn't complete them.

What's one weird way you save money on food?

I don't think it is weird, but I buy in bulk. It is not unusual for me to get 10kg of potatoes or 20kg of rice. There are shops near me that allow me to do that, and there is a vegetable market (not a farmers market!) that supplies small restaurants and has super fresh cheap stuff. I get a 5kg bag of supermarket-reject capsicums for $10 when they are in season.

Do you collect anything weird or unusual?

Books and clothes?

Do you fear the deep ocean, or does its unknown depths excite you?

I'm not afraid of it but not excited either.

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The Friday Bath Five

Sun, 06 Feb 2022 21:10:59 GMT

thefridayfive Hahahaha Apparently there is a "National Read In The Bathtub Day" next week, I'm assuming in America, but that is hilarious! I only recently found 'Aqua Erotica' the first waterproof book of Adult Stories, for Adults who like Wetness!

1) Read any good books lately?
I've been deep into fanfiction for a while now, and there has been good stuff there, but very fandom specific. I do have about 7 books on the go but several are Hard Reads and I wouldn't recommend them. But I will recommend Pirates! by Celia Rees because last time I read it I couldn't put it down and read through the night.

2) Taken any good baths lately?
Sadly no. I was planning to recently because baths are nice in summer but I never got around to it. I have been to the beach recently, a local one with a sandbar so the water gets more trapped and warms up well. It was very nice. Does that count?

3) Do you read paper books, or do you prefer another format?
I prefer books on paper, but I am getting into audiobooks. Fanfic is always on screens 😢

4) Where's the most comfortable place in your home?
Either my bed or the couch. Though when I am sick I tent to throw a bunch of blankets and pillows on the floor and live/sleep there which I also find comfortable.

5) What's the most relaxing sound you can put on?
So, not really a sound I put on, but a sound that's presence lets me know everything is okay. It is the birds around where I live. Mostly it is Rainbow Lorikeets at the moment but I've lived in other places and the birds there, though different, do the same relaxing/reassuring thing to me. You get to know their moods. Like right now I can hear a baby being fed and the rest all greeting each other but there was an argument a few minutes ago too. Mass panic and complete silence is when you know something is going down!

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Femslash ask meme

Wed, 02 Feb 2022 22:06:46 GMT

Thank you flo_nelja for making this challenge up, I’ve had some internal questions recently and I’m hoping these reflective moments will help me sort them out. Also, Sorry flo_nelja I’m posting them all at once because I don’t have your discipline!
( Questions and Answers )

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The Challenge 2022!

Sat, 29 Jan 2022 12:54:35 GMT

Challenge 15: In your own space, create your own challenge.

I started writing last year because I had the opportunity and I had an idea, I didn't really interact much.

This year I want to change that. I already am!

Because others doing this Snowflake Challenge have been generous with their knowledge I now know about more challenges to do!

I've signed up to one, I'm preparing for another, and I have completed the Snowflake Challenge! I hope to do at least 5 more challenges this year!

I challenge you to recommend any 'any fandom' challenges you know! and do one yourself!

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Carnival Of Aros February 2022 CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

Fri, 28 Jan 2022 01:34:40 GMT

February 2022 Call for Submissions: “Community”

It's February, and time for a new instalment of Carnival of Aros! It's a monthly blogging event that highlights aromantic and arospec experiences. Visit the main site here.

The theme of this month’s Carnival of Aros is “Community”

February is when many people celebrate Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (21st - 27th) and I was hoping we could share our thoughts on communities. I’ve made some prompts but feel free to take this topic anywhere you want to go with it!

Is your community interaction only online or is it also in real life?
Are you planning to find/join a real life community this month?
Are you part of a small community you want more people to know about?
Is your community supportive or is it letting your down?
Does your community celebrate or have an event you want more people to participate in? Perfect time to advertise!
Do you think communities are important?
What is the best part(s) of the communities you are in?

Entries for this Carnival of Aros topic are due by end of day on February 28th. To submit your entry, you can either leave a comment with a link here or on Arocalypse .

If you don’t have a blog of your own or want an anonymous entry, you can just email me a copy at mesotablar@gmail.com and I am happy to host it here with credit or anonymously (Just tell me in the email).

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Snowflake Scavenger Hunt

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 19:12:30 GMT

Challenge #14: In your own space, post your pictures of your fandom scavenger hunt results.

Looking around my current space, and because it is like 5am and I can't sleep that space is my bed, in the dark...
( Read more... )

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Fandom Joy

Tue, 25 Jan 2022 23:39:46 GMT

Challenge #13: In your own space, share a favourite memory about fandom: the first time you got into fandom, the last time a fanwork touched your heart, wild times with fellow fans (whether on-line or off-line), a lovely comment you’ve received or have left for someone.

In the past I had headfics, and yes there were those years when I enjoyed self-insert lucid dreams while reading the Harry Potter books, but what really got me into fandoms and fandom communities was 'From Dusk Til Dawn'. I didn't want it to end where it did, I wanted more, but my brain was too caught up in other stories already.
That is when I searched out fanfiction and found AO3.
and on AO3 I found a particular fic.
Even now I can close my eyes and see the scene. It was everything I wanted, and it was not alone. There were hundreds of fics, thousands, millions of fics freely waiting to be devoured.
I may have read fannish things before, but it was that moment as Kate Fuller sweated on a hot Summer night outside a motel, feeling angry and depressed and alone, that I treasure as my gateway into fanfic.

Shout out #2 goes to *person who I know wishes to remain anonymous* for commenting on my fic and inspiring me to write again! My 100,000+ words last year were literally because of your push!

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Recasting Thoughts

Sun, 23 Jan 2022 23:31:56 GMT

Challenge #12: In your own space, tell us who you would recast in a film, tv series or webseries, or maybe someone voicing a cartoon or videogame. Or who would you cast to play a character in a book, comic or maybe even your own fiction!

!!Trigger warnings for mentions of a pandemic and an atrocious accent!! I talk about 'Contagion' (2011)

( Read more... )

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Fanfic Recommendation

Wed, 19 Jan 2022 22:07:34 GMT

Challenge #10: In your own space, rec a fanwork (fic, art, vid, playlist, anything!) you did not create.

'american heroes' by bygoneboy

From the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them fandom, focusing on Credence Barebone/Original Percival Graves.

It is an oldie but a goodie. Beloved by almost everyone who reads it in the fandom. Many of us returning many times like butterflies to nectar. and how could you not? if you ship those two characters, or just hate Grindelwald, or think the saga was let down by the editing mess that was Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, then this is the fic for you!

Vital Stats (at time of post):

Fandom: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Pairings/Characters: Credence Barebone/Original Percival Graves.

Rating: Mature

Published: 2017-02-10
Words: 7949
Chapters: 1/1 [Complete]
Comments: 87
Kudos: 673
Bookmarks: 165
Hits: 4907

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Words for the Win

Sat, 15 Jan 2022 17:55:03 GMT

Challenge #8:In your own space, celebrate a personal win from the past year.

My personal win is that I've started writing again. And I've managed to keep it up for months.
Over 100,000 words on AO3, plus giving heaps of comments. I've picked back up with Carnival of Aros and I actually read and comment on the round-ups. I'm reading and posting here again. I just hope I can keep up this level of activity in the new year!

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Friday Five of Nostalgic TV

Thu, 13 Jan 2022 22:07:27 GMT

Really like the questions this week!

1. What is the first TV show you remember watching?
Probably Play School or Sesame Street. Noni Hazlehurst for the win!

2. What is the first “grown up” TV show you watched?
I remember being terrified of the X-Files so I must have accidentally seen that when I was too little....but maybe JAG or Pretender?

3. What is the first TV show you watched from the start to finish when it aired live (i.e., not via reruns)?
Oh that is so hard because Australian TV seems to have a bias against Sci-Fi so they skip it around. I was dedicated to follow Roswell, Buffy, Star Gate and Farscape but of course I missed eps when scheduling changed without warning. I definitely watched UK Skins season 1 and 2 when it aired without missing anything.

4. What is the oldest TV show you’ve watched?
Probably The Phantom Creeps (1939)

5. What is one TV show you will stop and watch if you come across it on TV, even though you've seen every episode at least 20 times?
Buffy!!

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Fanwriting Resources

Thu, 13 Jan 2022 21:17:50 GMT

Challenge #7: In your own space, tell us about 3 fandom resources, spaces, or communities you use or enjoy.

I wasn't quite sure how to approach this because I tend to find myself in tiny, or winding-down/dead, fandoms. There isn't much specific fandom community outside of the comments on AO3. Reading other people's posts was great! Not only have I figured out what to write, but I've also collected a list of things I need to check out!

First I have to mention Fandom/Wikia and Wikipedia. The Fandom/Wikia pages can be hard to navigate, not detailed enough and filled with glaring errors, but I still use them as a go to when I first start out. Wikipedia has information on production schedules (what time of year was it filmed/set) and any general world news, such as controversies or communities who spoke up for/against a portrayal. It is a good starting point to figure out where I should look next.
Next are the databases! IMDb, IMCDb (vehicles) and IMFDb (firearms). I'm all for canon accuracy, so I want to know what year that car was released and what gun that is to figure out what damage it would do. The vehicle database is amazing, lots of passionate car people gather to identify even the cars parked on the street in blink-and-you-miss it scenes [it can also just be really fun to see what movies/tv shows your car has been featured in!]. The firearms database is less comprehensive, they will list the weapons in the movie but not tell you who got shot by what gun. So some research is still involved. The IMDb page I tend to save as a reference PDF so I can quickly name check, or check spelling. I trust IMDb much more than the Fandom/Wikia for those sorts of things, especially when there are bloopers, errors or ambiguous name usage.
Last is sort of canon adjacent. It is the soundtrack. Either Youtube, Spotify, or some other site that has it. I am a music person so I absorb the soundtrack as I watch and then I need it to get into the headspace to start writing for it - which means when there are distribution issues like for the UK Skins and that initial musical fingerprint is lost then there is no way I can ever get into the fandom.

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An Idea, that will probably stay an idea forever

Wed, 12 Jan 2022 08:12:35 GMT

Challenge #5: In your own space, talk about an idea you wish you had the time / talent / energy to do.

If I had the time I would create audiobooks of all the Anne Bishop books I love. If I had the talent I would also do all the voices as they sound in my head. There is nothing wrong with the audiobooks that exist now, except maybe some are very hard to find, but I personally have found I have to listen past the man's accent to enjoy it. His accent is too strong and different for me. Plus I always saw Kaeleer as being an homage to western Europe (Scandinavia and Ireland/Scotland are really really obvious) and Ephemera as either England or France, so their accents would fit better.

Though if I had all the money I would pay a bunch of voice actors to voice ct out all the parts and have sound effects and make it a whole radio drama type thing. Unabridged!!!

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Ripple Effects

Sun, 09 Jan 2022 00:49:46 GMT

This is my entry for Carnival of Aros January 2022. This month's topic is In-Between Spaces and I was inspired by the prompts: How do your romantic orientation, sexuality, and gender play off of each other? How do these interact with other facets of your identity, such as neurodivergence, disability, race, ethnicity or body size?

Ripple Effects

Dwelling on what could have been is an exercise in pain and futility, but it is also where my mind goes when I think of intersectionality. I think the interaction between my different aspects of identity allowed me to fall into the in-between spaces, so I never fit anywhere (until recently).

I worked out I was ‘other’ at the time crushes became the topic of choice between girls. For a while answering ‘no one’ was accepted but after a few years the denial became noticeable, and socially unacceptable.

Yet when I found out about asexuality I rejected it. What was described by those few early brave asexuals who put themselves out there didn’t describe my experience. In hindsight I realise my nebulous sexuality and raging aromanticism actually cut me off from a community that could have probably helped me with my sense of place in the world.

Being diagnosed with a chronic condition didn’t help with my sense of belonging, but it did give me an excuse to avoid all questions about myself that I could not answer.

Why don’t you date? illness.

Why don’t you like anyone? Too tired from illness.

Do you have a crush on a celebrity? Too distracted by illness.

Inflating the effect my condition had on my life made it take up more room in my head, gave it more importance and influence than it probably deserved (well, at least after it was controlled, stable, and I stopped having hallucinations).

My self-esteem took many hits in the following years. Taken advantage of and belittled, made to feel broken and purposely provoked. Like the butterfly effect, I have no idea how those things have spiralled to change who I grew into.

And I was grown. I was mid-20s when I discovered a community I felt I belonged to.

If my aromanticism hadn’t been so strong I might have found a place in the talking-about-love asexual community of the time. If my sexuality had been less ‘active’ in my teens (I totally blame hormones) I might have discovered aromanticism earlier.

If I’d found a community for support I believe I would have been able to protect my vulnerable questioning side from the attacks it suffered from peers in those ensuing years. Or at least realised enough to stop putting myself in those situations.

I am probably quieter, less trusting, more of a reader, more self-aware and self-reflective than I might otherwise have been. I’m also now very good at seeing red-flags and microagressions. I am scarred but stronger, my romantic orientation and sexuality were my weaknesses but now they are my strength.

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Fandom Wishlist

Sat, 08 Jan 2022 09:01:14 GMT

Challenge #4: In your own space, make a list of things that you wish existed in fandom or elsewhere, and/or that you'd like someone to create or do for you.

Thanks to evilinsanemonkey I now want to see a Psych/Star Trek crossover. So someone accept the challenge!

Shawn as Kirk

Lassiter as Bones

Gus as Spock
(bonus for Sulu as George Takei with his blueberries!)

But otherwise, besides having the fandom's I'm in being more active, I guess I just want to see more A-spec representation. Which is sort of funny as I know a couple of writers who are A-spec but write the fluffiest romance and/or hottest smut. I don't even use the aromantic tag when I write. Yeah, so I guess I wish the various A-spec tags get a bit more of a workout.

Last minute Edit (cause I stole this point and am now signal boosting)
Thanks to flamingsword I realise we need:

A plotbunny foster home/abandoned work amnesty clearinghouse. I want a community where you can go there and say, “Look, I know that I have written 80k of this 100k fic, and it has a thousand kudos, and 45 subscribers. I know a bunch of people are invested in it. But I just can’t do the rest of it, so if anyone wants my notes for the rest of the fic, they are on this Googledoc. Feel free to write the rest, if you want, and I will gladly link your continuation from the original work.”

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Views on AU(s)

Wed, 05 Jan 2022 22:32:22 GMT

Challenge #3: Talk about your favorite AU/fusion tropes

I love a good Canon Divergent Alternate Universe. Tweak some minor details in canon and you get a whole new story growing. It always makes me think about Multiverse Theory, and the infinity of possible outcomes from differing actions and timings. I think staying close to canon at the start also allows you more freedom in the representation of the characters

because

I do like wildly different Alternate Universes, but I feel the characters have to be instantly recognisable. They have to be tight to their canon character representations, but if that is done then I'll read any AU you throw at me. Historical! Futuristic! Mundane! Soulmates! A/B/O! Magical! I'll even read Fourth-wall Breaking Anthropomorphic Objects AU! (does that even exist? well, it is AO3 so it probably does!)

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Dopamine and Overconsumption

Wed, 05 Jan 2022 06:43:43 GMT

So it is the start of the year and I do some annual tasks, one of them being archiving last year's book list and starting a new one. I've been tracking all the books and fanfics I've read for the past 6 years.

Now I've picked up a book called Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke and I've been reading many people's reviews of last year's resolutions and their goals for this years New Year's resolutions.

I think I have a problem

I read too much

Seriously,

last year's numbers were 78 books and 146 fanfics, sure I could blame the pandemic and being forced into lockdowns, but then how do I explain 2018 and the 150 books and 106 fanfics I read that year?
My average is 100 novels a year, and maybe 5 or so are audio books but the rest were once trees. Hours and hours spent sitting and reading. If I spent that time working out I would be fittest fit person there ever was.

Books are my happy place, they are addictive. I have a whole ritual when Anne Bishop releases a new book and I celebrate like it is Easter.

but...
I think I need to spend time doing other things...

I already am!
I'm writing and doing challenges and carnivals

Now only time will tell if I'm going to relapse back into my bad reading habits.
(But of course nothing counts until after I've celebrated Anne Bishop's new book release, 9 WEEKS AND COUNTING!!!!!!!!)

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New Year's Resolutions

Mon, 03 Jan 2022 14:17:41 GMT

Hey, so I'm doing a challenge! I've been wanting to do a month challenge for a while (and complete it!)
I thought I would try to do this one (and complete it!) but I have failed out of the gate on this New Year's resolution because I didn't want to link my current fanwork (or even mention the fandom because I would be an obvious guess) to this account. Keeping my internet presence fractured is very important to me... So I guess these are my goals for the year:

Make a social media platform account specifically to be used for fanwork things
Complete a month challenge
Complete the fanfic I'm working on by the arbitrary deadline I plucked out of thin air and gave myself!
Think of a good topic for the Carnival of Aros I'm hosting next month!!!

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The Mine Field

Tue, 21 Dec 2021 01:30:38 GMT

This is my entry for Carnival of Aros December about 'Attitudes Towards Romance', using the prompt: What things are romance-coded to you?

The Mine Field

Baby talk gets on my nerves and makes me nauseous. Thankfully, when a couple do it it is generally seen as an extreme public display of affection and is socially frowned upon where I live. It makes me ill when people do it to animals and kids, yet society is less offended by that.

I am more sickened by it.

For me baby talk is romance-coded.

It is one of the few things that is unequivocally romance-coded for me. Many other actions and activities I see as neutral vessels, only becoming romance-coded if there are romantic intentions behind it.

Friends can hold hands and kiss and go out together for candlelit dinners and take walks on the beach at sunset and buy a house together and sleep together. Intimacy is not romance-coded,

but I know for some people it is.

I have been on the sharp end of a reprimand when three of us were rolling around and laughing in the grass of a public park. Our censor didn’t even have the excuse of thinking us a wlw polyamoury partnership doing PDA, they knew us, we had thought them a friend, they would have been welcome to join our rolling joy. But no, out intimacy was threatening. Not -understandable. Must be stopped.

I feel this is where the aspec community conflict over ‘romance’ content is. One group sharing experience while another doesn’t understand or is threatened. The side they take may switch with each new issue or activity.

If its true love is a battlefield, then the romance-coding of actions is the personal minefield we planted and expect others to respect. We try, oh, our intentions are good, but the mines are hidden! If they are there at all…

I say I am romance neutral because most of the time it doesn’t bother me, because simply I just don’t see it.

I say I am romance neutral because most of the time it doesn’t bother me, and the things that I am repulsed by I can count on one hand and easily recite the location of my mines.

Baby talk
Feeding each other
Lip-to-lip kissing without prior mutual verbal consent*

*Ah, another way we aromantic are let down. Stolen kisses between ‘friends’ or ‘potential love interests’ that do not contain an element of sexual contact are an assault dismissed as trivial.

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The Differences Between Us

Tue, 30 Nov 2021 05:00:53 GMT

This is my entry for Carnival of Aros November about limerence, using the prompt: If you identify as aro or arospec, do you think you are non-limerent? Does limerence factor into why you identify this way?

The Differences Between Us

This month’s topic is incredibly interesting. I discovered a label that very easily applies to me and my experiences, so here I am to introduce myself as a non-limerent.

I have not ever experienced limerence.

I remember a conversation just after I started identifying as aromantic, my friends and I were talking about the feeling of being in love. We were talking about limerence without knowing the term. The emotional highs. The profound romantic infatuation. The involuntary obsession.

There were four of us, all 26 years old and no one admitted to having ever felt it, yet I was the only one that identified as aromantic.

I wondered what the real differences between us was. Limerence, that Hollywood ideal of love on the big screen seemed to have little to do with being alloromantic or being aromantic.

But they admitted to having crushes.

What is a crush but a form of limerence? The obsession, the emotional highs, the desire to collect all the merchandise….but they didn’t see such a crush as love, not real (limerence) true love anyway. Could a crush just be unrequited limerence?

Trying to straighten their logic, the difference between limerence and crushes, the difference between alloromatic and aromantic, is a monumental task. A task I have not succeeded in because I am mostly oblivious to it. They are frequencies I just can’t pick up.

The only answer I managed to come up with was that I felt comfortable in aromantic spaces and identifying as aromantic, while they desperately rejected the possibility as they strived in their social lives to partner up.

…personally though, I would say that is amatonormativity raising it’s ugly head again.

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I Stopped To Rest

Tue, 28 Sep 2021 22:38:53 GMT

This is my entry for Carnival of Aros September about language, using the prompt: How do you feel about how the aro community at large handles discussions on terminology?

I Stopped To Rest

Terminology and semantics were/are a regular topic of discussion in aromantic spaces. It is a good topic, mostly. There are only so many ‘What am I?’ newbie posts you can stomach before they blur into one and you struggle to find polite phrasing to garnish a reply of ‘You gotta work it out for yourself. Forum guidelines mean I can’t label you anyway.’ …so we stop bothering to reply. If you look you will see, it is rare for one of those newbie topics to get five replies or more.

I enjoyed the terminology and semantics discussions, mostly. What else is there to talk about that is constructive? That is an abstract non-personal way for community building? Actually hearing different people’s views and others questioning them. It was like the words were being twisted and pulled like taffy, being made better and more robust, or passing into obscurity as their faults were laid bare. No need to drag out personal experiences of lust or abuse. I enjoyed those discussions, until I didn’t.

I needed a break from all sorts of things. I stopped to rest. But things move quickly on the internet. I have been out of the loop for quite a while. I wonder how things have progressed…

I no longer have the starter’s passion for reinvestigating everything aromantic. But if I come back to the community is my knowledge still valid? Is my vocabulary still suitable? Are my words still understandable? Or have terms and meanings shifted so much that I speak a dead language?

Being left behind by your own community because of a shift in language is something being experiences by many older members of longer established groups. Talking and discussing has become a minefield. As far as I know there is no comprehensive map of this minefield. Some people have done etymologies of specific terms. Complex tangled linkspams showing how a term was coined and developed. They are greatly informative but these rely on the links remaining active and accessible.

It would be great if we had a flexible dictionary. A centralised place where all language specific to us was compiled and the various meanings listed, etymology too (with references!). I have been resting, so who knows, this might already exist. If all languages were welcomed and represented there would be a much richer basis of thought for our community to draw on.

…But mostly I want people to be kind. We must realise that we have an exceptionally fluid vocabulary. Some people may be using an old meaning when they talk. They may have been resting.

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Distractions!

Sun, 26 Sep 2021 08:52:38 GMT

I had the full intention of doing some writing last night and today. I guess technically I did so some, but much less than I had hoped and only on one project, not the three I had planned (and the least important one at that!).
I had good intentions. I thought out the basic outline of what I was going to write for two of the three projects, I even stated! then I decided to check if I had any comments or replies * POOF * three hours later and I have been in an internet rabbit hole and only have the two sentences I typed before I decided on doing that 'quick check'. Then today I couldn't settle. I have finished off the paragraph those two sentences belonged in BUT I then spent most of today's writing time checking to see if I had comments or replies, or just plain reading other people's work which threw me out of my own creative mode and style.

Maybe I need to do NaNoWriMo this year, or a form of it anyway. Give myself set goals. A month of only creating and not consuming!

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