mesotablar | Romantic Attraction

Romantic attraction. What even is it?! It is talked about and discussed and debated and questioned. There are posts and articles all over the place filled with varying opinions and descriptions. Maybe because of that variation it is questioned again and again, what is it?
I have tried to gather some very different sources to help answer this question, but in short, my linkspam only scratches the surface of the chatter out there.

Even in an ideal world where a person who only feels romantic attraction managed to express it in clear concise description it still would not be The Romantic Attraction, it would just be their romantic attraction.

For most people romantic attraction is inseparable from other attractions, so romance and sex go together, or romance and aesthetic, or even romance + undefined1 + undefined 2. (That last option is probably the most representative as people choose not to define every single thing they feel.) Then there are the people who never question what there are feeling, they love and knowing that is enough.

In my personal conclusion: I have no idea.

For me romantic attraction is an absence with messily defined edges. It was the reason why I felt broken and could not connect to friend’s experiences, why I have horrible times related to relationships and have revulsion reactions to romantic advances. But I can’t tell you the shape of the thing.
…and really, getting an aromantic to define romantic attraction is like getting an asexual to define sexual attraction.

Maybe the most important thing about romantic attraction is whether you feel kinship to what people say about it or not. I could not recognise myself in those descriptions and I felt kinship with the Aromantic community, which I feel is more important than a conclusive definition.

What other people say about romantic attraction.

Answer to ‘What does romantic attraction feel like?’ By Kimberly McBride (Answered Oct 23, 2017)

A fairly standard explanation of what romantic attraction feels like, which many other sources also use to explain what it is.

"When you see that person your hands get all sweaty, your heart races, your stomach starts quivering and flopping around, and it’s possible to go into what I call a “love trance,” whereby all you can do is stand there and smile stupidly while your brain takes a vacay. Hopefully the feeling is mutual; you will feel this way every time you see the person (minus the trance), you’ll feel super happy, and all you can think about is the other person. This will eventually subside over time and hopefully your love and commitment will still be strong."

Sexual Attraction Vs. Romantic Attraction: Here's The Subtle Difference Between Them By Cosmo Luce

Uses sexual attraction to help define romantic attraction. Sexual is the instant attraction and romantic is the attraction or bond that may or may not grow, but it does take time to develop. One is instant and one is slow.

"A romantic attraction takes more time to evolve than a sexual attraction. It's more about who the person is than what they look like.
…
Unlike a sexual attraction, a romantic attraction is a slow burn. It can take months or years for you to recognize that it exists, or you might feel it on the first date — a warm, glowing ember that doesn't seem like it's going to flicker out anytime soon."

What Is Romantic Attraction How To Recognize And Better Understand It By Nicole Beasley

"Humans are known for having emotional bonds with people, but the romantic attraction is beyond that. You connect with the person. You're willing to stay with them for the rest of your life. If there is trouble in your relationship, you're going to try to fix it as much as you can."

Uses sexual attraction to help define romantic attraction, but also as a way to try and minimise confusion between the two. Near the end mentions a whole list of possible signs and that aromanticism is possible.

The list, in summary (see the article for the full descriptions):

You'll feel an emotional connection. In other words, you're attracted to them as a person and not because of their body. You like their imperfections, opinions, mannerisms, and so on.
You like them for their personality.
You like hearing their opinions. Even if you disagree, hearing this person out makes you happy.
You just want to be physically close to them all the time, even if the feeling isn't exactly sexual.
You'll find yourself smiling at them, even if there's no reason for you to be smiling.
You feel complete with them. Your overall life feels better than it was before. Some friends and partners can make your life better, but if you feel like your life has skyrocketed, then it's romantic attraction.
You want to go to them whenever you want someone to cry to. They're your support system, no matter what you're feeling.
You want them to succeed, and your partner wants to see you succeed too.

Romantic Attraction Is Different from Sexual Attraction By C.C. Curtis

There are two types of attraction, sexual and romantic, and so both are defined in this article. Then it gives advice on how they might blend in a relationship and some self-help tips on getting the relationship you want because

"If you're searching for a romantic relationship, you can never force it to happen. These types of relationships come naturally and forcing one won't grant you what you want."

Specific markers for romantic attraction in a relationship are

"— it's basically a form of a pull. You want to get to know your partner more, his hobbies, his pet peeves, his weaknesses, strengths — you care about your partner. A lot of the times, romantic attractions can lead to wanting to spend the rest of your life with your partner. You always want to be around them because you're super attracted to them and want to constantly spend time with them. That's the romantic attraction to a relationship."

(This is probably the article I least liked because it is targeted at people who have been in standard-type relationships, and assumes romantic attraction is key to a relationship while sexual attraction ‘keeps your relationship alive’)

Romantic Attraction: How to Know When You Feel the Real Thing By Bella Pope

"But something a lot of people think is romantic attraction is actually only surface deep. Meaning, it’s not the real thing."

Identifies that there is a common problem of people confusing real romantic attraction with other things like physical attraction and lust. The ‘honeymoon’ stage in a relationship can overcome issues like not actually liking the person but romantic attraction is needed for long-term relationships (which is the same sort of problematic approach that the previous article had).

There are 10 listed points that indicate times that you may feel romantic attraction in a relationship. In summary, (see the article for the full descriptions)

#1 You feel emotionally connected.
#2 Physical attraction aside, you’d still be drawn to them.
#3 You value their opinion.
#4 You want to be physically close with them in a nonsexual way.
#5 They make you smile for no reason.
#6 Their thoughts and ideas are attractive.
#7 Your life is richer with them in it.
#8 You want to be their shoulder to cry on.
#9 You want them to succeed in their endeavors.
#10 Their personality is the main reason you’re attracted to them.

Misunderstanding Romantic Attraction By Christopher Olah

Talks about the importance of understanding romantic attraction in terms of LGBT+ rights issues. If romantic attraction was more widely understood then bigots would have less fuel to sway the masses. There is an abbreviated list of twelve psychological properties associated with attraction from Fisher’s Lust, Attraction and Attachment in Mammalian Reproduction
(see Christopher Olah article for perspective and a discussion, see the Fisher article for full description)

the loved person takes on “special meaning.”
intrusive thinking about the loved person
the tendency to focus on the loved person’s positive qualities and overlook or falsely appraise his/her negative traits;
labile psychophysiological responses to the loved person, including exhilaration, euphoria, buoyance, spiritual feelings, feelings of fusion with the loved person, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite…
a longing for emotional reciprocity coupled with the desire to achieve emotional union with the loved person
emotional dependency on the relationship with the loved person,
a powerful sense of empathy towards the loved person … and a willingness to sacrifice for them
a reordering of daily priorities to be with the loved one … including changing one’s clothing, mannerisms, habits or values
intensification of passionate feelings caused by diversity in the relationship
sexual desire for the target of infatuation coupled with the desire for sexual exclusivity
craving emotional union over sexual union
feelings seem involuntary and uncontrollable

5 Subtle Signs of Romantic Attraction By Kathleen Esposito, Contributor: Gabrielle Applebury

Focuses on the possible non-verbal cues that indicate romantic types of attraction, specifically for when identifying them in other people to try and figure out how they feel towards you. These may be helpful for identifying behaviours in yourself or those around you, though the article does contain disclaimers and warnings. (See article for full descriptions)

"A lot depends on personality type…You may have to watch very carefully."

Gazing Into Your Eyes
Making Adjustments in Appearance
Mirroring
Opening Up
Light Touching
Wanting to Spend Time Together
Blushing
Leaning In

What Causes Romantic Attraction? By Sallie B Middlebrook PhD

Interestingly Dr Middlebrook starts the article by outlining an experience of feeling romantic attraction for something that is not another person, specifically water influenced by a connection with God. A transcendent connection,

"I believe that when what you feel for someone is romantic attraction, your desire is something you feel throughout your body, inside and out. It is something you experience internally, and on a spiritual level, because it connects with you on a different plane than other types of love, or other types of attraction."

The article continues with an interesting report about a study that focused on smell as a trigger to romantic attraction. Also mentioning that many studies focusing on many attributes have been done

"including facial and body shape, angles, and symmetry, armpit sweat and other body odors, and more, there is still no conclusive and widely accepted evidence to support any one scientific theory. After much investigation, it is believed that a lot that is related to the subject of romantic attraction happens on a subconscious level."

The 5 listed features in this article seem to be less focused on romantic attraction itself and more on what aspects are important to an easily sustainable relationship, such as #4 Generosity of spirit and #5 compatibility of interests.

11 Ways to Predict Romantic Attraction By Berit Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D

Identifies situations or scenarios where romantic attraction most predictably occurs. So the article is less about the what and more focused on the when of romantic attraction, which can be helpful in identifying it or its absence in your life. It also criticizes the procedure of matching people based on personality questionnaires, with references to scientific studies.
(see article and studies for full details)

"Here are 11 features that together provide a decent indicator of who you will click with over the long term (Aron, et al. 1989):"
Similarity. The similarity of people’s belief sets and, to a lesser extent, the similarity of their personality traits and ways of thinking.
Propinquity. Familiarity with the other, which can be caused by spending time together, living near the other, thinking about the other, or anticipating interaction with the other.
Desirable Characteristics. Outer physical appearance that is found desirable and, to a lesser extent, desirable personality traits.
Reciprocal Liking. When the other person is attracted to you or likes you, that can increase your own liking.
Social Influences. The potential union satisfying general social norms, and acceptance of the potential union within one’s social network, can contribute to people falling in love. Or, if a union does not satisfy general social norms or is not accepted by one’s social network, this can result in people falling out of love.
Filling Needs. If a person can fulfill needs for companionship, love, sex, or mating, there is a greater chance that the other person will fall in love with him or her.
Arousal/Unusualness. Being in an unusual or arousing environment can spark passion, even if the environment is perceived as dangerous or spooky (Dutton & Aron, 1974).
Specific Cues. A particular feature of the other may spark a particularly strong attraction; for instance, parts of their body or facial features.
Readiness. The more you want to be in a relationship, the lower your self-esteem and the more likely you are to fall in love.
Isolation. Spending time alone with another person can contribute to a development of passion.
Mystery. Some degree of mystery surrounding the other person, as well as uncertainty about what the other person thinks or feels, or when he or she may initiate contact, can also contribute to passion.

"As the list makes clear, many of the factors that determine whether people should connect romantically are circumstantial or a result of how people behave in courtships and relationships."

What Is Romantic Attraction? by Avory

The first obviously queer source on my list, so it actually addresses that many relationships do not fit into the more traditional stereotypes (that the other articles seem to mostly work from) and there is lots of diversity out there. Avory also draws attention to other attractions that are not sexual attraction or physical attraction (but this is also the situation that tends to make romantic attraction harder to define)

"What’s romantic attraction? Well, I do think it’s really personal. I think of it of having something to do with a combination of squeefeels and oh my gosh I want to cuddle and kiss you a lot, but that sounds like a combination of alterous and sensual attraction, rather than necessarily a distinct thing."

Answer to ‘What is romantic attraction?’ By 314159265358969error

From the Asexuality Reddit, the whole thread is a fairly good read but I picked this answer out in particular.

"you want them yet still also want to be wanted reciprocally (hence the exclusivity and eventual jealousy), you want to reproduce various romantic tropes with them to make them feel special, and most importantly, all these tropes and any attempts at a relationship finally make sense.
Making out, for example, is in itself a sensual experience (it's just a bunch of movements, deal with it :p), but what can make it romantic is the partners deciding to make it romantic and the movements they do make sense to them because it makes them feel like there's something romantic going on. All I do in those moments is emulate a semblance of reciprocity, and all I think is «Am I doing it right ?» (and if she seems happy, I feel satisfied)."

As I said at the beginning, this is just a scratch in the surface of what is out there. I have avoided pretty much all A-spec sources because there is just so much, and most of it is very nuanced. Maybe I will do something more technical next week.

My informed conclusion:

All the articles are written from particular perspectives that the authors have. Many do not address other attractions besides romantic and sexual, or that friends and parents are probably the longest-term relationships most people have, many authors are probably not versed in the growing A-spec vocabulary that makes the conversation more nuances and complex. This last link from Reddit is probably the explanation that makes the most sense to me. Actions are just actions unless you think they are romantic, then they are romantic actions. Following this logic romantic attraction is romantic attraction when you think it is. Intent is everything because romance has no unique action, you will always be able to find no romo examples.