Thank you to all those who participated for putting your words forth to build the conversation in our community about community!

As a reminder of what this is all about here is a link to the original call for submissions and here is the main Carnival of Aros site where all previous round-ups and current events can be found.

We have many varied entries this month. Some are hopeful, some are dark, but they all reflect the thoughts of members of our community. So remember the individual behind the words and be nice if you are commenting. Now I am proud to be collecting them all here for your reading pleasure. I hope your sense of community is enriched and you might even discover something new 🙂

In alphabetical order:

Aro by Design: Building, Maintaining, and Nurturing Communities

aroace_auncle: I don’t mind expanding, though I don’t have any sort of blog.

Dabney: I'm participating in the Carnival of Aros, community questions :)

Ettina: Community for Me or my Baby, Not Both

Mesotablar: We are the Builders

Mundo Heterogéneo: My lack of specifically aro communities

Roboticanary: Carnival of Aros: Community

Sildarmillion: Frustrations with a community

Current Mood: accomplished

This is my entry for February Carnival of Aros which I was hosting :)
The topic was 'Community'

We are the Builders

Communities might have buildings or spaces where they happen. They might have logos and mottos and flags. Gatherings, advertisement, events, vocabulary, celebrations, rhetoric, songs, information, symbols and statistical data.

But without individuals they are nothing.

Community is the connection we feel to the people around us. Even on the internet, if my word pixels can be next to your word pixels; If I can read experiences, thoughts and opinions then I know that there is a person behind those sentences, then we are connected. You share with me and I share with you. This is both a very fragile and a very powerful thing. In the best of times it can bring healing and empowerment! In the worst of times it can undermine your sense of self and make you feel hunted.

We as individuals make the choice to make our communities supportive or restrictive, welcoming or not.

I count myself as lucky to have discovered aromanticism and found that I can join in the ranks of all the other wonderful aro-spec people out there. By the nature of things, I only have a connection to my aro community through virtual spaces, and for me those virtual spaces have been places of empowerment. I try to give back the bounty you all have gifted to me by sharing your knowledge, experiences and opinions, of offering your connections.

I have found communities to belong in on Arocalypse, Dreamwidth, Wordpress, Tumblr, DeviantArt, Reddit and LiveJournal, even on AO3! In tiny blog posts and in sites that boast members into the hundreds. I have found stories like mine and those that are different, and with each of those stories I see an individual with a life, and my world becomes a bit richer.

But I know through pain of experience that to tie my identity to one community is a great risk, so in almost all of the places I feel I belong I use a different name. I don’t mean to be duplicitous, I just fear to be singled out and cut off from the people, the communities, that have given me so much self-awareness and healing.

I guess my little message for you dear readers is please keep striving to find new places to connect and treasure the communities you have found.

This is just the first few coins of the treasure that is out there, but here is a linkspam to give you some new places to explore:

For the Visual and Readers:
Agressively Arospec
A Carnival of Aros (list of round ups from previous months)
Agressively Arospec Week AO3 Collection
Arospec Fanworks Week AO3 Collection
Aromantic Writing Month AO3 Collection

For the Commenters:
Arocalypse
r/aromantic
r/aaaaaaaarrrrro

For the Makers:
Gen Freeform Exchange
A Carnival of Aros
Aromantic Official
Aro Worlds Tumblr
AUREA Create Pride

Link to another linkspam:
ysabetwordsmith's Follow Friday: Asexuality and Aromance special
The Aromantic and Asexual Characters Database

Current Mood: busy

February 2022 Call for Submissions: “Community”

It's February, and time for a new instalment of Carnival of Aros! It's a monthly blogging event that highlights aromantic and arospec experiences. Visit the main site here.

The theme of this month’s Carnival of Aros is “Community”

February is when many people celebrate Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (21st - 27th) and I was hoping we could share our thoughts on communities. I’ve made some prompts but feel free to take this topic anywhere you want to go with it!

Is your community interaction only online or is it also in real life?
Are you planning to find/join a real life community this month?
Are you part of a small community you want more people to know about?
Is your community supportive or is it letting your down?
Does your community celebrate or have an event you want more people to participate in? Perfect time to advertise!
Do you think communities are important?
What is the best part(s) of the communities you are in?

Entries for this Carnival of Aros topic are due by end of day on February 28th. To submit your entry, you can either leave a comment with a link here or on Arocalypse .

If you don’t have a blog of your own or want an anonymous entry, you can just email me a copy at mesotablar@gmail.com and I am happy to host it here with credit or anonymously (Just tell me in the email).

Current Mood: accomplished

This is my entry for Carnival of Aros January 2022. This month's topic is In-Between Spaces and I was inspired by the prompts: How do your romantic orientation, sexuality, and gender play off of each other? How do these interact with other facets of your identity, such as neurodivergence, disability, race, ethnicity or body size?

Ripple Effects

Dwelling on what could have been is an exercise in pain and futility, but it is also where my mind goes when I think of intersectionality. I think the interaction between my different aspects of identity allowed me to fall into the in-between spaces, so I never fit anywhere (until recently).

I worked out I was ‘other’ at the time crushes became the topic of choice between girls. For a while answering ‘no one’ was accepted but after a few years the denial became noticeable, and socially unacceptable.

Yet when I found out about asexuality I rejected it. What was described by those few early brave asexuals who put themselves out there didn’t describe my experience. In hindsight I realise my nebulous sexuality and raging aromanticism actually cut me off from a community that could have probably helped me with my sense of place in the world.

Being diagnosed with a chronic condition didn’t help with my sense of belonging, but it did give me an excuse to avoid all questions about myself that I could not answer.

Why don’t you date? illness.

Why don’t you like anyone? Too tired from illness.

Do you have a crush on a celebrity? Too distracted by illness.

Inflating the effect my condition had on my life made it take up more room in my head, gave it more importance and influence than it probably deserved (well, at least after it was controlled, stable, and I stopped having hallucinations).

My self-esteem took many hits in the following years. Taken advantage of and belittled, made to feel broken and purposely provoked. Like the butterfly effect, I have no idea how those things have spiralled to change who I grew into.

And I was grown. I was mid-20s when I discovered a community I felt I belonged to.

If my aromanticism hadn’t been so strong I might have found a place in the talking-about-love asexual community of the time. If my sexuality had been less ‘active’ in my teens (I totally blame hormones) I might have discovered aromanticism earlier.

If I’d found a community for support I believe I would have been able to protect my vulnerable questioning side from the attacks it suffered from peers in those ensuing years. Or at least realised enough to stop putting myself in those situations.

I am probably quieter, less trusting, more of a reader, more self-aware and self-reflective than I might otherwise have been. I’m also now very good at seeing red-flags and microagressions. I am scarred but stronger, my romantic orientation and sexuality were my weaknesses but now they are my strength.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: How Does It Feel by Eskimo Joe

Snowflake Challenge promotional banner featuring feet in snuggly socks, a mug of hot chocolate, a notebook with 'dreams' written on the cover, and a guitar. Text: Snowflake Challenge January 1-31.

Challenge #4: In your own space, make a list of things that you wish existed in fandom or elsewhere, and/or that you'd like someone to create or do for you.

Thanks to

evilinsanemonkey I now want to see a Psych/Star Trek crossover. So someone accept the challenge!

Shawn as Kirk

Lassiter as Bones

Gus as Spock
(bonus for Sulu as George Takei with his blueberries!)

But otherwise, besides having the fandom's I'm in being more active, I guess I just want to see more A-spec representation. Which is sort of funny as I know a couple of writers who are A-spec but write the fluffiest romance and/or hottest smut. I don't even use the aromantic tag when I write. Yeah, so I guess I wish the various A-spec tags get a bit more of a workout.

Last minute Edit (cause I stole this point and am now signal boosting)
Thanks to

flamingsword I realise we need:

A plotbunny foster home/abandoned work amnesty clearinghouse. I want a community where you can go there and say, “Look, I know that I have written 80k of this 100k fic, and it has a thousand kudos, and 45 subscribers. I know a bunch of people are invested in it. But I just can’t do the rest of it, so if anyone wants my notes for the rest of the fic, they are on this Googledoc. Feel free to write the rest, if you want, and I will gladly link your continuation from the original work.”

Current Music: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

This is my entry for Carnival of Aros December about 'Attitudes Towards Romance', using the prompt: What things are romance-coded to you?

The Mine Field

Baby talk gets on my nerves and makes me nauseous. Thankfully, when a couple do it it is generally seen as an extreme public display of affection and is socially frowned upon where I live. It makes me ill when people do it to animals and kids, yet society is less offended by that.

I am more sickened by it.

For me baby talk is romance-coded.

It is one of the few things that is unequivocally romance-coded for me. Many other actions and activities I see as neutral vessels, only becoming romance-coded if there are romantic intentions behind it.

Friends can hold hands and kiss and go out together for candlelit dinners and take walks on the beach at sunset and buy a house together and sleep together. Intimacy is not romance-coded,

but I know for some people it is.

I have been on the sharp end of a reprimand when three of us were rolling around and laughing in the grass of a public park. Our censor didn’t even have the excuse of thinking us a wlw polyamoury partnership doing PDA, they knew us, we had thought them a friend, they would have been welcome to join our rolling joy. But no, out intimacy was threatening. Not -understandable. Must be stopped.

I feel this is where the aspec community conflict over ‘romance’ content is. One group sharing experience while another doesn’t understand or is threatened. The side they take may switch with each new issue or activity.

If its true love is a battlefield, then the romance-coding of actions is the personal minefield we planted and expect others to respect. We try, oh, our intentions are good, but the mines are hidden! If they are there at all…

I say I am romance neutral because most of the time it doesn’t bother me, because simply I just don’t see it.

I say I am romance neutral because most of the time it doesn’t bother me, and the things that I am repulsed by I can count on one hand and easily recite the location of my mines.

Baby talk
Feeding each other
Lip-to-lip kissing without prior mutual verbal consent*

*Ah, another way we aromantic are let down. Stolen kisses between ‘friends’ or ‘potential love interests’ that do not contain an element of sexual contact are an assault dismissed as trivial.

Current Music: The Marble Eye by Anna von Hausswolff

This is my entry for Carnival of Aros November about limerence, using the prompt: If you identify as aro or arospec, do you think you are non-limerent? Does limerence factor into why you identify this way?

The Differences Between Us

This month’s topic is incredibly interesting. I discovered a label that very easily applies to me and my experiences, so here I am to introduce myself as a non-limerent.

I have not ever experienced limerence.

I remember a conversation just after I started identifying as aromantic, my friends and I were talking about the feeling of being in love. We were talking about limerence without knowing the term. The emotional highs. The profound romantic infatuation. The involuntary obsession.

There were four of us, all 26 years old and no one admitted to having ever felt it, yet I was the only one that identified as aromantic.

I wondered what the real differences between us was. Limerence, that Hollywood ideal of love on the big screen seemed to have little to do with being alloromantic or being aromantic.

But they admitted to having crushes.

What is a crush but a form of limerence? The obsession, the emotional highs, the desire to collect all the merchandise….but they didn’t see such a crush as love, not real (limerence) true love anyway. Could a crush just be unrequited limerence?

Trying to straighten their logic, the difference between limerence and crushes, the difference between alloromatic and aromantic, is a monumental task. A task I have not succeeded in because I am mostly oblivious to it. They are frequencies I just can’t pick up.

The only answer I managed to come up with was that I felt comfortable in aromantic spaces and identifying as aromantic, while they desperately rejected the possibility as they strived in their social lives to partner up.

…personally though, I would say that is amatonormativity raising it’s ugly head again.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Losing Game by Vaults

This is my entry for Carnival of Aros September about language, using the prompt: How do you feel about how the aro community at large handles discussions on terminology?

I Stopped To Rest

Terminology and semantics were/are a regular topic of discussion in aromantic spaces. It is a good topic, mostly. There are only so many ‘What am I?’ newbie posts you can stomach before they blur into one and you struggle to find polite phrasing to garnish a reply of ‘You gotta work it out for yourself. Forum guidelines mean I can’t label you anyway.’ …so we stop bothering to reply. If you look you will see, it is rare for one of those newbie topics to get five replies or more.

I enjoyed the terminology and semantics discussions, mostly. What else is there to talk about that is constructive? That is an abstract non-personal way for community building? Actually hearing different people’s views and others questioning them. It was like the words were being twisted and pulled like taffy, being made better and more robust, or passing into obscurity as their faults were laid bare. No need to drag out personal experiences of lust or abuse. I enjoyed those discussions, until I didn’t.

I needed a break from all sorts of things. I stopped to rest. But things move quickly on the internet. I have been out of the loop for quite a while. I wonder how things have progressed…

I no longer have the starter’s passion for reinvestigating everything aromantic. But if I come back to the community is my knowledge still valid? Is my vocabulary still suitable? Are my words still understandable? Or have terms and meanings shifted so much that I speak a dead language?

Being left behind by your own community because of a shift in language is something being experiences by many older members of longer established groups. Talking and discussing has become a minefield. As far as I know there is no comprehensive map of this minefield. Some people have done etymologies of specific terms. Complex tangled linkspams showing how a term was coined and developed. They are greatly informative but these rely on the links remaining active and accessible.

It would be great if we had a flexible dictionary. A centralised place where all language specific to us was compiled and the various meanings listed, etymology too (with references!). I have been resting, so who knows, this might already exist. If all languages were welcomed and represented there would be a much richer basis of thought for our community to draw on.

…But mostly I want people to be kind. We must realise that we have an exceptionally fluid vocabulary. Some people may be using an old meaning when they talk. They may have been resting.

Current Music: No Rest by Dry The River

This is my entry for the 2021 March Carnival of Aros: call out found here

To be or not to be...an International Aro Space

Kaurna miyurna, Kaurna yarta, ngadlu tampinthi.

-Acknowledgement of country

I have been trying to unpack my feelings about race. I have been spending lots of time reading articles about race, discrimination, privilege and implicit bias. I haven’t had to look too far to find articles on those topics, but I have had to look hard for articles that weren’t American*.

Many Americans don’t declare their US-ness in their articles, but they only write to American audiences, about American experiences. Many non-US writers make clear, either in their text, signature or choice of platform, where they are from. I have made very clear that I am Australian just so people don’t expect me to be American.

There is a sense on some websites the majority of people I interact with are not of my culture, yet they share a common culture between them. I declare myself Australian to discover where the other people are from, and 80% of the time they are American. The default of assuming English speaking people on the internet are American, male and young is breaking down but many US writers still seem to assume that their only readers are going to be people who understand, or are familiar with the intricacies of US culture or history. To the point where I believe I was reading articles wrong, the point wasn’t getting across.

When I first found the online Arocalypse.com community in 2017 I declared my Aussie-ness and the reaction I got, ‘Oh no not another Australian’. I was thrilled to stumble onto a pile of Australians in such a small online community. Do you know how many Australians it took to elicit that comment? How many Australians I was thrilled to find online?

There were 4 of us.

It also became clear fairly quickly that there were some people in the community where English was not their first language. There was talk of needing help translating definitions for other information pages to be able to get the word out about aromanticism. There were call outs asking for people speaking specific languages (though I’m not sure how many were found as they became private discussions). Topics organizing meet ups was on a global scale, a country here, a country there. We are a small population scattered around the globe, and it felt that way, it felt international.

Fast forward to 2021, there are more groups and more resources. There is a blog carnival creating content, there are monthly talks and discussions, there are activist groups getting awareness….but it seems the US content is starting to drown out that sense of internationalism. I haven’t seen an entry for the blog carnival in another language, the talks and discussions are timed towards people living on the conterminous United States. I know there are many varied people out there, but much of the content I find now has that familiar sense of being by Americans, for Americans, about Americans, though I can’t tell for certain because they lack national or cultural disclaimers.

Maybe I should take this as a hopeful sign? Those people asking for translations 4 years ago have not needed to return to an English speaking site because they have created a vibrant community of their own in their own language, but….

What of the people making discoveries now? people from countries where the framework is not yet established? Will they see these resources as International or American? Will discriminated against Americans feel better if there is more of an International feel to the aromantic spaces? Or will these sites and resources be so overwhelmed by American thoughts that any content in English language is attributed to a US viewpoint?

I don’t have answers to those questions, but I know I have not been part of the solution. I am a non-American voice, and I have been mostly silent over the past year. I am trying to get back into writing, into thinking, into loving my aromanticness.

讲一个生活故事

écrire sur vous-même

*Whenever I use the term American I am going to be referring to United States of America and its people. Sorry to the entire Continent.

Current Mood: tired

I studied identity and self at university many years ago, so I have half remembered frameworks floating around in the back of my mind. I could do my research and find all my sources (because I still have all my readers, textbooks and work assignments) but I felt I just had to get this down in words or it would never happen. I can always come back and add references as I refine my ideas…

It can be understood that self has 2 basic components, an personal sense that you control by choices you make, and a external perception within society where other people make assumptions about you. Basically what you think about yourself and what other people think about you.

Labels can be ones you choose for yourself or are assigned to you by others. Labels are everywhere and most are not questioned or cause reaction. There is no reaction to these because you have in someway chosen or feel that they are accurate. Your job description, your generation moniker, your hair colour, your nationality.

But society works on defaults, so it is possible for externally applied labels to be ill-fitting or wrong, which leads to questioning. Finding a label can be cathartic, or bring a sense of freedom and community. That is when you are accepting a label you have found that fits your own sense of self.

When you are confronted by people in society labeling you with words defining their perception of you, things you may not have thought of (let alone questioned) or simply have a gut reaction against, things get painful*. Most of the discussion I have seen is in regards to gender and pronouns, but I remember a bit of argument just after I joined Arocalypse surrounding the use of alloromantic.

( My Aromantic Section )

( My Racial Rant Section )

*That is why most forums have rules about labeling others, and pronouns are made explicit in introductions or profiles.

Current Mood: contemplative

I couldn't work out where to put this on Arocalypse so I put it here!

I'm not sure what cultural barriers might be between my experiences in Australia and where all you readers may be from, so just understand that the following is Australian.

I watched Gone Girl and a quote stuck in my head 'America loves pregnant women' and it has been in the back of my mind as I watch the news. It seems Australia loves the idea of babies and potential babies.

( Mentions death and plane crash )

Single people, people without children, are given less coverage or ignored. I have heard 'LGBTQI' used, but no 'A'. The news style seems to be creating more barriers to accepting single people which will probably lead to a longer time before acknowledging Aromantics.

Have you noticed how the media where you live works? Does it seem to have the same bias, or a different one?

Current Mood: sad

I have been watching and listening to quite a bit of true crime shows and podcasts recently. Mostly just because it is there and other people seem to be consuming it too which means more articles pointing me at it and it is higher on entertainment rating lists. One common theme that pops up fairly frequently at least in serial killers and cult leaders is repressed sexuality. Why repressed? well parents and society was and is super harsh on stuff they don't like. It just so happens that homophobic male-fixated male serial killers get shows made about them. Lots of shows.

Repressing things does warp you inside. I thought I was broken for over a decade because I negatively reacted to dates and I didn't actively seek them out. I am SURE that being aromantic but not knowing what aromantic is did contribute to low self esteem and my sense of belonging and community. If I lived in a more dictatorial society (Aka my family 90 years ago) I would have been married off at 19, and even as a theoretical I have no idea how I would have survived....though at least I can take comfort in the fact that with my health I wouldn't have lived to 16. How warped is that? I find it comforting that theoretical me would never have been married. But to know of Aromanticism and be told it is bad and wrong?

I wonder how many people broke under the strain of internalised hate, of feeling isolated, of feeling wrong.
I wonder how many people would make different choices if they knew about Aromanticism and Asexuality.
I wonder how many domestic violence victims and survivors are aromantic or asexual.
I wonder how many domestic violence perpetrators are aromantic or asexual.
I wonder how many pick-up artists are aromantic or asexual.
I wonder how many incels are aromantic or asexual.

Current Mood: sad

Thank you to all who participated, you have helped spread a bit of positive this month! Links to the submitted entries are below.

You can find out more information about the carnival and past topics here. Don't forget to keep your eye out for the future topics too, or maybe even host a month yourself.

The June 2020 Carnival of Aros submissions - 'Most Precious'

Neir gives us a poem

'There’s a lot behind this poem, far beyond and between the lines, that really perfectly sums up the precious experience that is being aro for me.'

Sennkestra gives us a perspective on friends

'As such, I’ve had to look elsewhere to fill what is often considered part of the role of a “partner”'

Magni gives us one (aro) ring to rule them all

'The prompt reminded me of the “my precious” thing regarding the One Ring in Lord of the Rings, so I decided to draw an aromantic One Ring.'

and I gave you memes

'Once people were laughing they stopped being afraid.'

That's all and thanks everyone for submitting! Don't hesitate to comment here or on Arocalypse for name changes or broken links.

This is my entry for this month’s carnival of aros that I was hosting (mesotablar.dreamwidth.org/15144.html)

To Laugh

For this month’s carnival of aros I want to share some of my favoured humorous content, from knock knock jokes to wholesome pics. (And because I can’t help myself I wrote about why I think it is important too.)

text: aro blogs be like.. above the image of five hands linked in a circle with the words 'reblogging from another aro blog' superimposed over each hand

Many years ago I watched a documentary* that opened my eyes to the importance of humour. One segment was an interview with a Soviet Union stand-up comedian who said something along the lines of: once people were laughing they stopped being afraid.

Knock Knock
Who's there
A Roman
A Roman who?
Aromantics!

There once was an Aro named Clyde
Who was cornered by a zealous bride.
Demanding grand gestures of love,
Dozens of roses, chocolates and a dove.
While Clyde would rather just hide.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
A mat
A mat who?
Amatonormativity!

I think jokes and memes are important for any healthy group. If you can’t poke fun at yourself and survive then it must be a brittle or unhealthy community. There are social and cultural aspects to humour so it is possible that things do not ‘translate’ when crossing languages, nations or classes. Individual people have different tastes in humour as well, so there needs to be a range from wholesome to biting. At its core, most good jokes have a grain of truth and long as it is based on a truth, even if others don’t find it funny, they will (hopefully) be able to recognise that truth and learn something.

first image: a scared cartoon person is surrounded by falling microlabel pride flags . Second image: cartoon person is content under an umbrella coloured with the aromantic flag (dark green/lightgreen/white/grey/black stripes)

'Arospec Awareness Week' by DesDraws

I have noticed that there are some jokes and memes floating around but the amusing side of the aro experience is still fairly small. I love scrolling through the You Might Be Aro If…. (YMBAI) thread on Arocalypse because I relate to some, learn from others and have the chance to laugh with the community.

'YMBAI you found kiss scenes in the middle of action completely stupid. Like, why are you kissing right now when zombies are about to kill you?' - DannyFenton123

I love finding new aro memes because they generally are funny but they also signal that someone was thinking about a certain aro issue and then took the time and effort to make something of it. Content grows from every single person putting their thoughts forward. Every project in Photoshop, every brain-fart post, every comic doodle, every crafted story, every silly joke, every artistic masterpiece adds to our aro culture. So thank you content creators for making something fun!

a green/white/grey/black parrot holding a yellow flower in its beak and holding an arrow in it claws with the words 'aromantic awareness' is near it's wings

'Aromantic Awareness Bird' by witchydigit
(The humour in this one is the colour association to the Madagascan Lovebird)

*I apologise for not being able to remember/find the title at this time. I have detailed things as I remember them so I apologise for all inaccuracies. I might be able to edit in and correct details in the future. Also apologies for not giving credit for the two memes, I couldn't track down their first instances of use.

Current Mood: amused

I have had my first trip in an ambulance! I was in so much pain I only remember the paramedic had very defined eyebrows. I can also add myself to the great number of Australians who have experienced ramping.
It was a very educational trip to the Emergency Department because I found out the hard way that I have bad reactions to several strong pain killers. So not fun.
I should be fine, I have a cornucopia of pills to help be achieve health again. Though my head still feels like a jelly dropped at the top of some stairs.

My last post was private as I was just archiving my book lists, but now I feel I should share some of the things I was reading before.
( Let the linkspam commence! )

Current Mood: cranky

June 2020 Call for Submissions: “Most Precious”

The Carnival of Aros is a month-long recurring blogging festival where aro-spec bloggers on different platforms make posts about a particular theme. More information on the event and past themes can be found here. (carnivalofaros.wordpress.com/about/)

The theme of this month’s carnival of aros is “Most Precious”

This month is focusing on the positive things people can find being aro-spec and asking them to share it. For some people there can be heartache associated with coming to terms with being aro-spec, while for others it is a great relief. This month I am asking you to single out something that you treasure about being aro-spectrum. Take a photo, draw a picture, write an article or tell a knock-knock joke. Just take something you find precious and share it with us so that we may also appreciate it…and maybe even learn from it.

Some possible prompts:

Write about conversations or experiences you found valuable or empowering.
Tells us some jokes, puns or funny stories.
Share your memories about a Pride Parade/Aro Awareness week/club meeting or finding out about something in aromanticism that helped you.
Explain (or just list!) the songs, media or characters you love.
Show us your favourite aro icons, designs, images or pride swag.

Entries for this Carnival of Aros topic are due by end of day on June 30. To submit your entry, you can either leave a comment here with a link or you can send the link via email to mesotablar@gmail.com.

If you don’t have a blog of your own or want an anonymous entry, you can also just email me a copy and I am happy to host it here with credit or anonymously (Just tell me in the email).

Current Mood: accomplished

Discussion of romance repulsion is a regular feature in aromantic spaces. Who has it. What triggers it. What it feels like. Can you get over it. Does it get worse.How sick has it made you. Lots and lots of talk.
But
Everyone is different, and so all of this 'repulsion' is different, in symptoms but also in strength. This can be an issue because many times we are asked to compare it to something else, something the listener can relate to.

In an asexual space I came across one person advocating for the use of the word 'appreciation' to be used as a descriptor for weaker-than-attraction feelings. Aversion was proposed as the weaker-than-repulsion equivalent. I don't expect these words to be standardised to mean the same thing for everyone, but rather it would be useful for people to use as an internal scale so they may more clearly express their feelings or reactions. I would love if people would begin using these more scaled terms when/if applicable.

Attraction > Appreciation > Neutral > Aversion > Repulsion

( For my example: )

Current Mood: awake

Recently I have gone through emotional changes and this past week I seem to keep finding the same topics popping up again and again, which I choose to take as a sign that I should try to work through some of my feelings.

I grew up in an environment of conservative and progressive influences, I'm sure many people have but all in our own unique recipe of the two. Since the deaths in my family I have found I am more body confident than I had been in years. I am also feeling much more settled inside myself as a person. For the first time in forever I feel like my internal storm has truly abated and I can see the internal scene and all the accumulated debris. Which lead about the terrible realisation that much of the dissatisfaction was actually external input. Semi-regular flippant comments about hair and weight, dating and boys, physical ability and life goals, that I thought I had ignored actually cut me deeply. Now those thoughts which were not my own are now literally in the grave with the persons who made them.

I am not a good self-critic. I can only analyse things in hindsight if I am prompted to do so. Basically much of the time I flail and hope I come across other people who give me ideas to make sense of my reactions and life.

I have discovered I do in fact have quite a lot of internalised misogyny linked to a sense of inferiority related to my disability (Internalised Ableism Alert!). I don't even know if misogyny is really the right word, a more apt term might be Toxic Femininity. I push back against amatonormativity a lot. I feel that expectations of romantic love force themselves on me all the time, but might I be letting them in to torment me? My last post 'Females Love' talked about this. I have internal expectations of what women are, very traditional European ideals. If I write them out specifically I see how silly they are and can rebuke them but there is still this deep vague sense that they are correct.

Being in Queer spaces has exposed me to many people of different genders and many different journeys those people have made to get there. I have no gender journey, do I? How am I female then? How do I know? up rises the 28 year old monster of memories of comments, expectations and traditions (this monster it seems has always been present lurking beneath the surface and informing my experiences, but it lets itself be seen every so often). I have no role models who are aromantic or disabled in the same way I am, let alone both. Truthfully I was never really interested finding any. One group I am intrinsicly connected to is my bloodline, so they sort of became my 'best fit' role models for certain things, and it certainly makes sense when it comes to health history. But what of the rest of history?

Half of my family migrated to Australia after WWII, and they kept almost nothing of their old home countries, very little sense of culture was passed down. So I, wanting some sort of anchor clasped whatever I could. Much of that is from a time almost unrecognisable, but I absorbed it and in many ways I thought it applicable to me. Deep inside I still think it is applicable to me, but that is just causing me pain, but is it worse to keep pushing against external factors I invite in or to remove all the internalised issues themselves?
Here is a list of some which I abstractly know are not true to my experience but they are specific to my sense of who my family is and in turn who I am.
(TL;DR I've had this list of stuff subtly reinforced in me for 28 years, now I'm deciding to try to purge it. I'm so screwed)

Love can grow from passion
Certainty-of-marriage-partner at first sight/Love at first sight is real
a long-term relationship is the most significant relationship you will have outside of children (Sometimes not even children)
a partner gives you better social status
families arrange suitable suitors
family approval is of the upmost importance
you must master the duties of a housewife
sacrificing everything for love may improve your future
Being submissive is better
being slightly masochistic will serve you well because life/love is painful
get married as a young virgin

Current Mood: distressed

This is my entry for aromagni.tumblr.com/post/611540309244018688/carnival-of-aros-call-for-submissions-march using the prompt: How does your experience of gender intersect with romance and/or amatonormativity?
I always seem to end up talking about amatonormativity...

Females Love

My gender matches my biology. Because I had no conflict or dysphoria I just accepted it when I was young and grew with it. I take it for granted most of the time. Specifically: ‘my gender’ is barely ever in the forefront of my mind as it is so fused with my own sense of self.

However there have been many moments where I was forced to feel less than female. From about the age of 8 love changes its meaning from describing family connections to budding romantic hopes. The experience of growing up as a girl is like swimming in a river, where all the solid ground is ‘love’. People start expecting you to show interest, and assume it is a forgone conclusion that you will eventually find yourself washed ashore into first love. Loving family is taken for granted as everyone, parents, teachers, friends, all start anticipating that you will begin making tentative steps in making romantic connections.

Love becomes a constant presence bordering life. Love is the topic of many conversations. Girls pester each other with questions about romantic interest. Parents begin setting out rules of engagement to control the access boys have to their daughters. Celebrity crushes become a way of judging and sorting classmates. The popular media; books, shows, music, movies, is generally centred on love, and popular media is the centre of at least half of all the conversations.

Sure there are those that reject certain mainstream influences, like me, but there was no escaping the flow of my cohort or the expectation of my own inevitable falling in love. As more and more girls around me fulfilled those expectations I was left more isolated. Love is what girls seemed to do, so what are you if you don’t fall in love? Not a girl? Not growing up as you should? Not human?

Media had told me over and over again that romantic love is intrinsic to the female experience. Yes, it is all terribly binary, girls love and boys fight….though the binary assumption after puberty for boys becomes a different four letter F-word. That was just the environment I was raised in. Feminism and strong female role models were present, women can do the same jobs as men for the same wage, women don’t need to become baby machines, women don’t have to cook. All good stuff, but underlying gender and human stereotypes were not contradicted, they weren't even thought of. Girls love, it is just what happens after you hit puberty. First the growing pains that keep you from sleeping, you grow an inches in your sleep. Then your chest swells and you start wearing training bras, preparing you for the torture device underwire bras. Then the period arrives with very little warning, expected yet unexpected. Then boom! First love. Okay, maybe not immediately but definitely within 10 years. Definitely.

It seemed all the adults in my live automatically assumed love would be part of my teenage years so there was a watchful anticipation in the background of most conversation and interaction. It was continuous and unpleasant. My lack of interest in love connection singled me out amongst my friends. It made me feel sub-optimal. I wasn't fulfilling one of the core essentials of being of the female gender. I was a failing, I was less than truly female.

The many uses of the word ‘love’ helped confuse matters. I love that show. I love that band. I love that actor. Love your body. Love your neighbour. I love what you are wearing. I love your hair. I love you.

There was a disconnect somewhere for me and the (only partially effective) outlet I found was being a tomboy. I rejected femininity even though that is what I am most comfortable with just because the feminine package seemed to be soaked with love. Tomboyishness did not last long. I always felt too female to be constrained in those clothes and I didn't fit in with the other tomboys. So I didn't fit with the girly girls, I didn't fit with the tomboys, and as the years rolled by and the cliques were all corrupted by dating couples I was left further and further outside my own understanding of what it is to be female.

I've lied to make my history fit more along the lines of a standard female experience. I've been given reassurances about dating. I am older now and the expectant eyes have gotten bored, and after finding out about aromanticism I am much more comfortable in my own skin. Before aromanticism no one had ever said it is okay not to date. No one ever said it is okay to remain single. No one ever told me friends are enough for some people. No one ever said that romance is not intrinsic to the female gender.

Well, it is okay not to date. It is okay to remain single. Friends can be enough. I am female. I am aromantic. Aromantic women are legitimately female.

Current Mood: accomplished

This is my entry for August Carnival of Aros and my attempt to fill the prompt: How has your orientation impacted your relationships with individuals?

Friendship Sprouts

The type of Aromantic I am means that I react badly to romantic overtures. They have to be pretty blatant for me to even notice them, but once I do there is only bad. Because of this I find my orientation has been a major influencing factor on which friends I keep and which friendships I let wither and die.

I start out most friendships as a bond of convenience, someone to sit next to in class regularly, someone to talk to while we pursue hobbies in a club or group, people I see frequently for any reason. These connections are all weak, they are friendly but not really friendships, yet. Work and effort must be put in to create a friendship but these proto-friendships have all the potential, like a seed that just needs us to put in a little persistence for it to sprout.

Getting out of the comfort zone of convenience is how I build a friendship, but other people have taken it in a different way. I don’t see romance very well, if it is subtle I probably won’t even notice it. So I have been accused by friends of ‘leading them on’ because I wanted to spend time with a friend when they thought it was more than that.

There is no way for those misunderstandings to end well. They feel betrayed and rejected and I feel betrayed and ambushed. Needless to say those sprouts tend to wither and die pretty soon after. A few times the friend has become pushy and won’t take no for an answer because they think friendship building equals interest or consent or some other thing…..I spray weed killer on those friendship sprouts and run for the hills.

All of this means I basically have no male friends anymore. One by one they killed our sprouts. Not all those friendship deaths are related to my orientation. All the usual other pressures have taken their toll, like moving house/jobs or working hours changing, but I feel those friendships can be revived by another change in circumstances. The friendships stomped out by romance however feel permanently corrupted.

Current Mood: accomplished

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I thought it was a good idea at the time...

Personal Journal with Many Aromantic Thoughts

Entries tagged with aromantic

Carnival of Aros February 2022 Round-up!