mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for March Carnival of Aros which was hosted by Roboticanary on the topic "Stability". I chose to talk about myself using the prompt about Self Stability.


Steady as a rock in an earthquake

 
I doubted I would be able to write for this topic. What I knew as 'stability' has disappeared recently and I can’t say I grieve the change.

Before my life’s stability was in my sense of self and identity. I knew myself and that was enough to give me a bedrock while I scrambled through a string of short term jobs. I was not financially stable. Not even close. And interpersonally I was a bit of a mess after the death of some family, but nothing works through grief like slowly making the clearing of their house a burden. I took strength from my communities, the aromantic ones amongst them, places and things that I felt reflected a facet of the truest form of me.

My job was the first change. I am excelling in my full-time employment and I truly feel financially stable for the first time in years. I learned many skills for saving money in my bad times so now I am accumulating much faster than I spend, and it really feels good. However, my personal identity took the balancing hit and was undermined. I am now in a relationship, and for all intents and purposes it is romantic. It is possible my attraction is alterous, or platonic/sexual or some other obscure term, but I decided not to pick at it. I don’t feel it needs a term, or to be explained, it just is what it is and it makes me happy. I’m not sure if I can call myself aromantic anymore, which feels like a loss, but I like to think of the annoyed words of a post on Arocalypse from years ago when a member was sick of labels being prioritised over experiences. Basically they said, it doesn’t really matter what you call yourself, what is important is the way you move through your life. And I am definitely still doing the queer boogie through my life.
mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
Thank you to all those who participated for putting your words forth to build the conversation in our community about community!

As a reminder of what this is all about here is a link to the original call for submissions and here is the main Carnival of Aros site where all previous round-ups and current events can be found.

We have many varied entries this month. Some are hopeful, some are dark, but they all reflect the thoughts of members of our community. So remember the individual behind the words and be nice if you are commenting. Now I am proud to be collecting them all here for your reading pleasure. I hope your sense of community is enriched and you might even discover something new 🙂 
 
 

Sildarmillion:
Frustrations with a community
mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)

This is my entry for February Carnival of Aros which I was hosting :)
The topic was 'Community'

We are the Builders

Communities might have buildings or spaces where they happen. They might have logos and mottos and flags. Gatherings, advertisement, events, vocabulary, celebrations, rhetoric, songs, information, symbols and statistical data.

But without individuals they are nothing.

Community is the connection we feel to the people around us. Even on the internet, if my word pixels can be next to your word pixels; If I can read experiences, thoughts and opinions then I know that there is a person behind those sentences, then we are connected. You share with me and I share with you. This is both a very fragile and a very powerful thing. In the best of times it can bring healing and empowerment! In the worst of times it can undermine your sense of self and make you feel hunted.

We as individuals make the choice to make our communities supportive or restrictive, welcoming or not.

I count myself as lucky to have discovered aromanticism and found that I can join in the ranks of all the other wonderful aro-spec people out there. By the nature of things, I only have a connection to my aro community through virtual spaces, and for me those virtual spaces have been places of empowerment. I try to give back the bounty you all have gifted to me by sharing your knowledge, experiences and opinions, of offering your connections.

I have found communities to belong in on Arocalypse, Dreamwidth, Wordpress, Tumblr, DeviantArt, Reddit and LiveJournal, even on AO3! In tiny blog posts and in sites that boast members into the hundreds. I have found stories like mine and those that are different, and with each of those stories I see an individual with a life, and my world becomes a bit richer.

But I know through pain of experience that to tie my identity to one community is a great risk, so in almost all of the places I feel I belong I use a different name. I don’t mean to be duplicitous, I just fear to be singled out and cut off from the people, the communities, that have given me so much self-awareness and healing.

I guess my little message for you dear readers is please keep striving to find new places to connect and treasure the communities you have found.

This is just the first few coins of the treasure that is out there, but here is a linkspam to give you some new places to explore:

For the Visual and Readers:
Agressively Arospec
A Carnival of Aros (list of round ups from previous months)
Agressively Arospec Week AO3 Collection
Arospec Fanworks Week AO3 Collection
Aromantic Writing Month AO3 Collection


For the Commenters:
Arocalypse
r/aromantic
r/aaaaaaaarrrrro

For the Makers:
Gen Freeform Exchange
A Carnival of Aros
Aromantic Official
Aro Worlds Tumblr
AUREA
 Create Pride

Link to another linkspam:
ysabetwordsmith's Follow Friday: Asexuality and Aromance special
The Aromantic and Asexual Characters Database

mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
February 2022 Call for Submissions: “Community”

It's February, and time for a new instalment of Carnival of Aros! It's a monthly blogging event that highlights aromantic and arospec experiences. Visit the main site here.

The theme of this month’s Carnival of Aros is “Community”

February is when many people celebrate Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (21st - 27th) and I was hoping we could share our thoughts on communities. I’ve made some prompts but feel free to take this topic anywhere you want to go with it!

  • Is your community interaction only online or is it also in real life?
  • Are you planning to find/join a real life community this month?
  • Are you part of a small community you want more people to know about?
  • Is your community supportive or is it letting your down?
  • Does your community celebrate or have an event you want more people to participate in? Perfect time to advertise!
  • Do you think communities are important?
  • What is the best part(s) of the communities you are in?

Entries for this Carnival of Aros topic are due by end of day on February 28th. To submit your entry, you can either leave a comment with a link here or on Arocalypse .
If you don’t have a blog of your own or want an anonymous entry, you can just email me a copy at mesotablar@gmail.com and I am happy to host it here with credit or anonymously (Just tell me in the email).

mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for Carnival of Aros January 2022. This month's topic is In-Between Spaces and I was inspired by the prompts: How do your romantic orientation, sexuality, and gender play off of each other? How do these interact with other facets of your identity, such as neurodivergence, disability, race, ethnicity or body size?


Ripple Effects

Dwelling on what could have been is an exercise in pain and futility, but it is also where my mind goes when I think of intersectionality. I think the interaction between my different aspects of identity allowed me to fall into the in-between spaces, so I never fit anywhere (until recently).  

I worked out I was ‘other’ at the time crushes became the topic of choice between girls. For a while answering ‘no one’ was accepted but after a few years the denial became noticeable, and socially unacceptable.

Yet when I found out about asexuality I rejected it. What was described by those few early brave asexuals who put themselves out there didn’t describe my experience. In hindsight I realise my nebulous sexuality and raging aromanticism actually cut me off from a community that could have probably helped me with my sense of place in the world.

Being diagnosed with a chronic condition didn’t help with my sense of belonging, but it did give me an excuse to avoid all questions about myself that I could not answer.

Why don’t you date? illness.

Why don’t you like anyone? Too tired from illness.

Do you have a crush on a celebrity? Too distracted by illness.

Inflating the effect my condition had on my life made it take up more room in my head, gave it more importance and influence than it probably deserved (well, at least after it was controlled, stable, and I stopped having hallucinations).

My self-esteem took many hits in the following years. Taken advantage of and belittled, made to feel broken and purposely provoked. Like the butterfly effect, I have no idea how those things have spiralled to change who I grew into.

And I was grown. I was mid-20s when I discovered a community I felt I belonged to.

If my aromanticism hadn’t been so strong I might have found a place in the talking-about-love asexual community of the time. If my sexuality had been less ‘active’ in my teens (I totally blame hormones) I might have discovered aromanticism earlier.

If I’d found a community for support I believe I would have been able to protect my vulnerable questioning side from the attacks it suffered from peers in those ensuing years. Or at least realised enough to stop putting myself in those situations.

I am probably quieter, less trusting, more of a reader, more self-aware and self-reflective than I might otherwise have been. I’m also now very good at seeing red-flags and microagressions. I am scarred but stronger, my romantic orientation and sexuality were my weaknesses but now they are my strength.    

mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
 This is my entry for Carnival of Aros December about 'Attitudes Towards Romance', using the prompt: What things are romance-coded to you?


The Mine Field

Baby talk gets on my nerves and makes me nauseous. Thankfully, when a couple do it it is generally seen as an extreme public display of affection and is socially frowned upon where I live. It makes me ill when people do it to animals and kids, yet society is less offended by that.

I am more sickened by it.

For me baby talk is romance-coded.

It is one of the few things that is unequivocally romance-coded for me. Many other actions and activities I see as neutral vessels, only becoming romance-coded if there are romantic intentions behind it.

Friends can hold hands and kiss and go out together for candlelit dinners and take walks on the beach at sunset and buy a house together and sleep together. Intimacy is not romance-coded,

but I know for some people it is.

I have been on the sharp end of a reprimand when three of us were rolling around and laughing in the grass of a public park. Our censor didn’t even have the excuse of thinking us a wlw polyamoury partnership doing PDA, they knew us, we had thought them a friend, they would have been welcome to join our rolling joy. But no, out intimacy was threatening. Not -understandable. Must be stopped.

I feel this is where the aspec community conflict over ‘romance’ content is. One group sharing experience while another doesn’t understand or is threatened. The side they take may switch with each new issue or activity.

If its true love is a battlefield, then the romance-coding of actions is the personal minefield we planted and expect others to respect. We try, oh, our intentions are good, but the mines are hidden!  If they are there at all…

I say I am romance neutral because most of the time it doesn’t bother me, because simply I just don’t see it.

I say I am romance neutral because most of the time it doesn’t bother me, and the things that I am repulsed by I can count on one hand and easily recite the location of my mines.

  1. Baby talk
  2. Feeding each other
  3. Lip-to-lip kissing without prior mutual verbal consent*

 

*Ah, another way we aromantic are let down. Stolen kisses between ‘friends’ or ‘potential love interests’ that do not contain an element of sexual contact are an assault dismissed as trivial.  

mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for Carnival of Aros November about limerence, using the prompt: If you identify as aro or arospec, do you think you are non-limerent? Does limerence factor into why you identify this way?


The Differences Between Us

This month’s topic is incredibly interesting. I discovered a label that very easily applies to me and my experiences, so here I am to introduce myself as a non-limerent.
I have not ever experienced limerence.

I remember a conversation just after I started identifying as aromantic, my friends and I were talking about the feeling of being in love. We were talking about limerence without knowing the term. The emotional highs. The profound romantic infatuation. The involuntary obsession. 

There were four of us, all 26 years old and no one admitted to having ever felt it, yet I was the only one that identified as aromantic.

I wondered what the real differences between us was. Limerence, that Hollywood ideal of love on the big screen seemed to have little to do with being alloromantic or being aromantic. 

But they admitted to having crushes. 

What is a crush but a form of limerence? The obsession, the emotional highs, the desire to collect all the merchandise….but they didn’t see such a crush as love, not real (limerence) true love anyway. Could a crush just be unrequited limerence?

Trying to straighten their logic, the difference between limerence and crushes, the difference between alloromatic and aromantic, is a monumental task. A task I have not succeeded in because I am mostly oblivious to it. They are frequencies I just can’t pick up. 

The only answer I managed to come up with was that I felt comfortable in aromantic spaces and identifying as aromantic, while they desperately rejected the possibility as they strived in their social lives to partner up. 

…personally though, I would say that is amatonormativity raising it’s ugly head again. 

mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for Carnival of Aros September about language, using the prompt: How do you feel about how the aro community at large handles discussions on terminology?


I Stopped To Rest

Terminology and semantics were/are a regular topic of discussion in aromantic spaces. It is a good topic, mostly. There are only so many ‘What am I?’ newbie posts you can stomach before they blur into one and you struggle to find polite phrasing to garnish a reply of ‘You gotta work it out for yourself. Forum guidelines mean I can’t label you anyway.’ …so we stop bothering to reply. If you look you will see, it is rare for one of those newbie topics to get five replies or more. 

I enjoyed the terminology and semantics discussions, mostly. What else is there to talk about that is constructive? That is an abstract non-personal way for community building? Actually hearing different people’s views and others questioning them. It was like the words were being twisted and pulled like taffy, being made better and more robust, or passing into obscurity as their faults were laid bare. No need to drag out personal experiences of lust or abuse. I enjoyed those discussions, until I didn’t. 

I needed a break from all sorts of things. I stopped to rest. But things move quickly on the internet. I have been out of the loop for quite a while. I wonder how things have progressed…

I no longer have the starter’s passion for reinvestigating everything aromantic. But if I come back to the community is my knowledge still valid? Is my vocabulary still suitable? Are my words still understandable? Or have terms and meanings shifted so much that I speak a dead language?

Being left behind by your own community because of a shift in language is something being experiences by many older members of longer established groups. Talking and discussing has become a minefield. As far as I know there is no comprehensive map of this minefield. Some people have done etymologies of specific terms. Complex tangled linkspams showing how a term was coined and developed. They are greatly informative but these rely on the links remaining active and accessible. 

It would be great if we had a flexible dictionary. A centralised place where all language specific to us was compiled and the various meanings listed, etymology too (with references!). I have been resting, so who knows, this might already exist. If all languages were welcomed and represented there would be a much richer basis of thought for our community to draw on. 

…But mostly I want people to be kind. We must realise that we have an exceptionally fluid vocabulary. Some people may be using an old meaning when they talk. They may have been resting. 
mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for the 2021 March Carnival of Aros: call out found here

To be or not to be...an International Aro Space


Kaurna miyurna, Kaurna yarta, ngadlu tampinthi.
-Acknowledgement of country 

I have been trying to unpack my feelings about race. I have been spending lots of time reading articles about race, discrimination, privilege and implicit bias. I haven’t had to look too far to find articles on those topics, but I have had to look hard for articles that weren’t American*. 

Many Americans don’t declare their US-ness in their articles, but they only write to American audiences, about American experiences.  Many non-US writers make clear, either in their text, signature or choice of platform, where they are from. I have made very clear that I am Australian just so people don’t expect me to be American. 

There is a sense on some websites the majority of people I interact with are not of my culture, yet they share a common culture between them. I declare myself Australian to discover where the other people are from, and 80% of the time they are American. The default of assuming English speaking people on the internet are American, male and young is breaking down but many US writers still seem to assume that their only readers are going to be people who understand, or are familiar with the intricacies of US culture or history. To the point where I believe I was reading articles wrong, the point wasn’t getting across. 

When I first found the online Arocalypse.com community in 2017 I declared my Aussie-ness and the reaction I got, ‘Oh no not another Australian’. I was thrilled to stumble onto a pile of Australians in such a small online community. Do you know how many Australians it took to elicit that comment? How many Australians I was thrilled to find online? 

There were 4 of us. 

It also became clear fairly quickly that there were some people in the community where English was not their first language. There was talk of needing help translating definitions for other information pages to be able to get the word out about aromanticism. There were call outs asking for people speaking specific languages (though I’m not sure how many were found as they became private discussions). Topics organizing meet ups was on a global scale, a country here, a country there. We are a small population scattered around the globe, and it felt that way, it felt international.

Fast forward to 2021, there are more groups and more resources. There is a blog carnival creating content, there are monthly talks and discussions, there are activist groups getting awareness….but it seems the US content is starting to drown out that sense of internationalism. I haven’t seen an entry for the blog carnival in another language, the talks and discussions are timed towards people living on the conterminous United States. I know there are many varied people out there, but much of the content I find now has that familiar sense of being by Americans, for Americans, about Americans, though I can’t tell for certain because they lack national or cultural disclaimers. 

Maybe I should take this as a hopeful sign? Those people asking for translations 4 years ago have not needed to return to an English speaking site because they have created a vibrant community of their own in their own language, but….

What of the people making discoveries now? people from countries where the framework is not yet established? Will they see these resources as International or American? Will discriminated against Americans feel better if there is more of an International feel to the aromantic spaces? Or will these sites and resources be so overwhelmed by American thoughts that any content in English language is attributed to a US viewpoint?  

I don’t have answers to those questions, but I know I have not been part of the solution. I am a non-American voice, and I have been mostly silent over the past year. I am trying to get back into writing, into thinking, into loving my aromanticness. 

讲一个生活故事
écrire sur vous-même

*Whenever I use the term American I am going to be referring to United States of America and its people. Sorry to the entire Continent.
mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
Thank you to all who participated, you have helped spread a bit of positive this month! Links to the submitted entries are below. 

You can find out more information about the carnival and past topics here. Don't forget to keep your eye out for the future topics too, or maybe even host a month yourself. 

The June 2020 Carnival of Aros submissions - 'Most Precious'

Neir gives us a poem 
'There’s a lot behind this poem, far beyond and between the lines, that really perfectly sums up the precious experience that is being aro for me.'

Sennkestra gives us 
a perspective on friends
'As such, I’ve had to look elsewhere to fill what is often considered part of the role of a “partner”'

Magni gives us
one (aro) ring to rule them all
'The prompt reminded me of the “my precious” thing regarding the One Ring in Lord of the Rings, so I decided to draw an aromantic One Ring.'

and I gave you memes
'Once people were laughing they stopped being afraid.'


That's all and thanks everyone for submitting! Don't hesitate to comment here or on
Arocalypse for name changes or broken links. 

To Laugh

Jun. 30th, 2020 07:44 pm
mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for this month’s carnival of aros that I was hosting (mesotablar.dreamwidth.org/15144.html)

To Laugh

For this month’s carnival of aros I want to share some of my favoured humorous content, from knock knock jokes to wholesome pics. (And because I can’t help myself I wrote about why I think it is important too.) 
text: aro blogs be like.. above the image of five hands linked in a circle with the words 'reblogging from another aro blog' superimposed over each hand
Many years ago I watched a documentary* that opened my eyes to the importance of humour. One segment was an interview with a Soviet Union stand-up comedian who said something along the lines of: once people were laughing they stopped being afraid.

Knock Knock
Who's there
A Roman
A Roman who?
Aromantics!
There once was an Aro named Clyde
Who was cornered by a zealous bride.
Demanding grand gestures of love,
Dozens of roses, chocolates and a dove.
While Clyde would rather just hide. 
Knock Knock
Who's there?
A mat
A mat who?
Amatonormativity!
 
I think jokes and memes are important for any healthy group. If you can’t poke fun at yourself and survive then it must be a brittle or unhealthy community. There are social and cultural aspects to humour so it is possible that things do not ‘translate’ when crossing languages, nations or classes. Individual people have different tastes in humour as well, so there needs to be a range from wholesome to biting. At its core, most good jokes have a grain of truth and long as it is based on a truth, even if others don’t find it funny, they will (hopefully) be able to recognise that truth and learn something.   

I have noticed that there are some jokes and memes floating around but the amusing side of the aro experience is still fairly small. I love scrolling through the You Might Be Aro If…. (YMBAI) thread on Arocalypse because I relate to some, learn from others and have the chance to laugh with the community.
 
'YMBAI you found kiss scenes in the middle of action completely stupid. Like, why are you kissing right now when zombies are about to kill you?' - DannyFenton123

two pieces of paper. One says 'green stuff' the other says 'aro culture' underneath are the words 'corporate needs you to find the difference between this picture and this picture'. Woman representing aros says they're the same picture

I love finding new aro memes because they generally are funny but they also signal that someone was thinking about a certain aro issue and then took the time and effort to make something of it. Content grows from every single person putting their thoughts forward. Every project in Photoshop, every brain-fart post, every comic doodle, every crafted story, every silly joke, every artistic masterpiece adds to our aro culture. So thank you content creators for making something fun!  
a green/white/grey/black parrot holding a yellow flower in its beak and holding an arrow in it claws with the words 'aromantic awareness' is near it's wings
'Aromantic Awareness Bird' by witchydigit
(
The humour in this one is the colour association to the Madagascan Lovebird)
 
*I apologise for not being able to remember/find the title at this time. I have detailed things as I remember them so I apologise for all inaccuracies. I might be able to edit in and correct details in the future. Also apologies for not giving credit for the two memes, I couldn't track down their first instances of use. 

mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
 June 2020 Call for Submissions: “Most Precious”

The Carnival of Aros is a month-long recurring blogging festival where aro-spec bloggers on different platforms make posts about a particular theme. More information on the event and past themes can be found here. (carnivalofaros.wordpress.com/about/)

The theme of this month’s carnival of aros is “Most Precious”

This month is focusing on the positive things people can find being aro-spec and asking them to share it. For some people there can be heartache associated with coming to terms with being aro-spec, while for others it is a great relief. This month I am asking you to single out something that you treasure about being aro-spectrum. Take a photo, draw a picture, write an article or tell a knock-knock joke. Just take something you find precious and share it with us so that we may also appreciate it…and maybe even learn from it.

Some possible prompts:

  •  Write about conversations or experiences you found valuable or empowering.
  •  Tells us some jokes, puns or funny stories.
  • Share your memories about a Pride Parade/Aro Awareness week/club meeting or finding out about something in aromanticism that helped you.
  • Explain (or just list!) the songs, media or characters you love.
  • Show us your favourite aro icons, designs, images or pride swag.

Entries for this Carnival of Aros topic are due by end of day on June 30. To submit your entry, you can either leave a comment here with a link or you can send the link via email to mesotablar@gmail.com.

If you don’t have a blog of your own or want an anonymous entry, you can also just email me a copy and I am happy to host it here with credit or anonymously (Just tell me in the email).


mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for May carnival of Aros carnivalofaros.wordpress.com/2020/05/15/may-2020-call-for-submissions-diy/. I just wish it was more aro themed or even the colours of the aro flag, but I suck at food colouring. 
 
 The DIY Aro: Food
 
Making food is probably my main expression of love. If I am cooking for someone I love I put in a lot of time and energy and imagination. My mother thinks I am a wonderful cook, because I love her I put the effort in. My friends are always asking me to bring food to parties because I will make something elaborate or decadent, because I love them. 

Being on the morning tea roster at work? I bring store bought cake. I do not partake. 
Suggestions that I become a chef? Awkward laughter and a determined no. 
If have to fend for myself as I am the only one in the home? I eat canned beans from the saucepan while sitting on the couch. Rinse and repeat. Because most of the time I don’t love myself. 

However I am not scared to go to a restaurant and eat alone. I went backpacking in the UK and my self-esteem was at an all-time high so I ate out a lot, I treated myself to good food at a new restaurant on a ‘table for one’ almost every day. I mentioned that in conversation when I got back and most people said they would be too scared to be on a ‘table for one’ in a restaurant. Sure the conversation sucks but it’s not scary. One time the waiter was a sort of mean about it so I just put my shopping on the other seat in a sort of person shape and had a hilarious conversation with the lump. So maybe I am the scary one? 

Anyway, I am here to share something with you. A recipe. There are many levels of care you can bring to this recipe depending on whether you are cooking for people you love or people you tolerate or people you despise but have to keep the veneer of an appropriate professional standard. I tend to have most of these ingredients constantly lying around the house so this is a recipe I make for myself when I'm alone and out of cans of beans. 

Recipe: Moroccan (Inspired) Figs
cooked figs, mint leaves and pomegranate arils on a square blue and white leaf pattern plate
Ingredients

Dried Figs – estimate about 2-5 per person you will be feeding 

Orange Juice – Fresh squeezed or from a bottle. 1 cup per 15 figs. If desperate use mandarins or satsumas or those shrunken things at the back of the fridge that may have once been oranges. If the oranges are fresh and look nice feel free to add some peel strips to the mix too, they will candy. 

Honey/Sugar – Ultimately you will be making a syrup so you do need some, how much depends on how sweet you want it to be and if you have to cover up bitter citrus or tart pomegranate juice. 2 tablespoons is a good start point to learn from. 

Pomegranate Juice/Pomegranate Molasses – actually an optional ingredient: ¼ cup. I use fresh because I have access to a tree that produces lots of small fruit that are only good for juicing. If you have the fruit save a few arils for later decoration, it looks great with no extra effort. But bottled juice or molasses work just as well. 

Rose Water/Orange Blossom Water – at least 1 teaspoon in syrup and 1 optional teaspoon to serve. Rose or orange is just a personal choice, or whatever you have in the cupboard that you think will go well. A friends thinks Almond essence or coconut essence works just as well, but don’t pour extra of these on the finished figs at the end. 

Cinnamon stick – or cassia (also known as cinnamon bark) if you want it a bit spicier. If using powder ½ teaspoon per cup of orange juice. 

Cloves – about 3-6 depending on how much you like cloves. Or ¼ teaspoon of powder. Please don’t use clove oil though. Whole spice or powder only!

Mint leaves – totally optional. Just to garnish. 

Method

Pour boiling water over the figs, let them sit in it for 5 minutes or so as you get everything else ready. 
Put orange juice, honey/sugar, scented water or essence and spices in a saucepan on low-medium heat. If using orange peel cut as much white pith off as possible before adding. If you are using pomegranate add now, if not using pomegranate maybe think of adding ¼ teaspoon of turmeric just to make the syrup an unearthly orange colour. 

Occasionally stir while heating so the honey/sugar dissolves. Drain figs from water and add to saucepan, you can totally do this before the honey/sugar is dissolved. Bring to a simmer or boil, whatever you are comfortable with and allow to cook and reduce. You should watch it, but I’m lazy and tend to do other things and check on it every 5 minutes or so. 

Cook until the figs look puffed up and the syrup has reduced and maybe it is foaming up (this might not happen for you). Generally it takes about 15 minutes for a 15 fig/1 cup orange juice mix. 

For your safety take it off the heat and wait for the syrup to stop bubbling before you serve. Pull out figs with slotted spoon or tongs and put on a pretty plate. Pretty plates and platters are the lazy caterer’s friend. Throw on extra arils, mint and scented water you had reserved. Pour extra syrup into a jug for fancy serving, or if you don’t like the people so much put the extra syrup in your fridge to use in cocktails after work, it goes particularly well with bourbon.  

Serve still warm or at room temperature.

The whole cooking process will make your kitchen smell nice. If you want jealous neighbours leave the kitchen door/windows open. People will also think you went to a lot of effort just because it smells nice. 
mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for aromagni.tumblr.com/post/611540309244018688/carnival-of-aros-call-for-submissions-march using the prompt: How does your experience of gender intersect with romance and/or amatonormativity?
I always seem to end up talking about amatonormativity...



Females Love

My gender matches my biology. Because I had no conflict or dysphoria I just accepted it when I was young and grew with it. I take it for granted most of the time. Specifically: ‘my gender’ is barely ever in the forefront of my mind as it is so fused with my own sense of self.

However there have been many moments where I was forced to feel less than female. From about the age of 8 love changes its meaning from describing family connections to budding romantic hopes. The experience of growing up as a girl is like swimming in a river, where all the solid ground is ‘love’. People start expecting you to show interest, and assume it is a forgone conclusion that you will eventually find yourself washed ashore into first love. Loving family is taken for granted as everyone, parents, teachers, friends, all start anticipating that you will begin making tentative steps in making romantic connections.

Love becomes a constant presence bordering life. Love is the topic of many conversations. Girls pester each other with questions about romantic interest. Parents begin setting out rules of engagement to control the access boys have to their daughters. Celebrity crushes become a way of judging and sorting classmates. The popular media; books, shows, music, movies, is generally centred on love, and popular media is the centre of at least half of all the conversations.   

Sure there are those that reject certain mainstream influences, like me, but there was no escaping the flow of my cohort or the expectation of my own inevitable falling in love. As more and more girls around me fulfilled those expectations I was left more isolated. Love is what girls seemed to do, so what are you if you don’t fall in love? Not a girl? Not growing up as you should? Not human?

Media had told me over and over again that romantic love is intrinsic to the female experience. Yes, it is all terribly binary, girls love and boys fight….though the binary assumption after puberty for boys becomes a different four letter F-word. That was just the environment I was raised in. Feminism and strong female role models were present, women can do the same jobs as men for the same wage, women don’t need to become baby machines, women don’t have to cook. All good stuff, but underlying gender and human stereotypes were not contradicted, they weren't even thought of. Girls love, it is just what happens after you hit puberty. First the growing pains that keep you from sleeping, you grow an inches in your sleep. Then your chest swells and you start wearing training bras, preparing you for the torture device underwire bras. Then the period arrives with very little warning, expected yet unexpected. Then boom! First love. Okay, maybe not immediately but definitely within 10 years. Definitely.  

It seemed all the adults in my live automatically assumed love would be part of my teenage years so there was a watchful anticipation in the background of most conversation and interaction. It was continuous and unpleasant. My lack of interest in love connection singled me out amongst my friends. It made me feel sub-optimal. I wasn't fulfilling one of the core essentials of being of the female gender. I was a failing, I was less than truly female.

The many uses of the word ‘love’ helped confuse matters. I love that show. I love that band. I love that actor. Love your body. Love your neighbour. I love what you are wearing. I love your hair. I love you.

There was a disconnect somewhere for me and the (only partially effective) outlet I found was being a tomboy. I rejected femininity even though that is what I am most comfortable with just because the feminine package seemed to be soaked with love. Tomboyishness did not last long. I always felt too female to be constrained in those clothes and I didn't fit in with the other tomboys. So I didn't fit with the girly girls, I didn't fit with the tomboys, and as the years rolled by and the cliques were all corrupted by dating couples I was left further and further outside my own understanding of what it is to be female.

I've lied to make my history fit more along the lines of a standard female experience. I've been given reassurances about dating. I am older now and the expectant eyes have gotten bored, and after finding out about aromanticism I am much more comfortable in my own skin. Before aromanticism no one had ever said it is okay not to date. No one ever said it is okay to remain single. No one ever told me friends are enough for some people. No one ever said that romance is not intrinsic to the female gender.

Well, it is okay not to date. It is okay to remain single. Friends can be enough. I am female. I am aromantic. Aromantic women are legitimately female.

mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for August Carnival of Aros and my attempt to fill the prompt: How has your orientation impacted your relationships with individuals?


Friendship Sprouts

The type of Aromantic I am means that I react badly to romantic overtures. They have to be pretty blatant for me to even notice them, but once I do there is only bad. Because of this I find my orientation has been a major influencing factor on which friends I keep and which friendships I let wither and die. 

I start out most friendships as a bond of convenience, someone to sit next to in class regularly, someone to talk to while we pursue hobbies in a club or group, people I see frequently for any reason. These connections are all weak, they are friendly but not really friendships, yet. Work and effort must be put in to create a friendship but these proto-friendships have all the potential, like a seed that just needs us to put in a little persistence for it to sprout. 

Getting out of the comfort zone of convenience is how I build a friendship, but other people have taken it in a different way. I don’t see romance very well, if it is subtle I probably won’t even notice it. So I have been accused by friends of ‘leading them on’ because I wanted to spend time with a friend when they thought it was more than that.

There is no way for those misunderstandings to end well. They feel betrayed and rejected and I feel betrayed and ambushed. Needless to say those sprouts tend to wither and die pretty soon after. A few times the friend has become pushy and won’t take no for an answer because they think friendship building equals interest or consent or some other thing…..I spray weed killer on those friendship sprouts and run for the hills.

All of this means I basically have no male friends anymore. One by one they killed our sprouts. Not all those friendship deaths are related to my orientation. All the usual other pressures have taken their toll, like moving house/jobs or working hours changing, but I feel those friendships can be revived by another change in circumstances. The friendships stomped out by romance however feel permanently corrupted. 

mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
Hello all! This is my entry for May 2019 Carnival of Aros! I was trying to fill the prompt How aromanticism influences your views on religion but I may have gone somewhere else with this...



Amatonormativity Made Vows Attractive

As a generalisation I would like to say that I grew up on a street with a church at each end, and my family ignored both.
My views on religions are inconsistent, vague or undefined. 

 

But I always found something alluring about nuns.

 

I grew up with the usual pop culture influences of children born in the 90s. Barbie and Ken were still a big thing. There were few strong solo female role models, let alone ones not interested in romance (were there even any?). I bought into the whole idea of partnering up and getting married.

Because of my entire family’s ‘lapsed catholic’ status I never saw marriage as a religious thing, it was a life thing.

You are alive, so you breathe and eat, move and sneeze, blink and fart, sleep and get married.

Even if you didn’t ‘get married’ you sure had to get engaged for at least 5 years. Long engagements or a shotgun wedding are the only practices found in my family history. Remaining single is a privilege of those who die young.

 

So I figured I had to get engaged and/or married. As I grew I found the idea of marriage more and more distasteful. Then I found out about nuns. Women married to Christ. I had found an out. I could get married and fulfil that life expectation yet not be romantically linked to another human!

Luckily I grew up about a 10 minute walk from a convent (and a 5 minute drive from a monastery) so I could investigate and actually talk to Sisters. I met some great people and the idea of dedicating my life to love and helping others is very alluring.

Being a greysexual the vow of chastity would be no issue. Vows of poverty might have been more of a sacrifice because I was raised on stories of how much my family lost in WWII so from an early age I became obsessively protective of the few family heirlooms we have (incidentally most of them are religious in nature) and the vow of obedience is in itself not much of an obstacle. I happily live within defined boundaries, my willingness to live within a box is proving itself as I contemplate this form of consecrated life as a way to fulfil the expectation of life: born, marry, die.

But

I grew up outside the church. Jesus is just a name to me. God can be plural. My holy trinity is the Rainbow Serpent, Tiddalik and Tjirbruki. Maybe if there had been an indigenous Sister I would have been reconciled, but there wasn’t so I wasn’t.

I am more aware now that at that time I was trying to find a loophole to expectations, but now I am knowledgeable enough to just reject the expectations. I have the greatest respect for women who take the vows and I think I will also always have a tiny curious envy of their contemplative, helpful, spiritually love filled lives. 

Coming Out

Apr. 16th, 2019 08:22 am
mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
This is my entry for the April 2019 Carnival of Aros.
One of the prompts was for coming out stories, so that is what I have done. I am not out to many people and so I shall veil my experience in the magical shroud of a fairy story to protect all those involved (‘Cause some of my friends were horrible at that time, though they are mostly better now that they understand more).


Trigger Warnings: Mention of suicide. May contain Amatonormativity and nuts.
Fun fact! These are not my most Aphobic friends.


Click here for The Tale  )Click here for The Tale  )Click here for The Tale  )
mesotablar: Aromantic flag as text (Aromantic)
Hello all! This is my entry for March 2019 Carnival of Aros aromanticism.dreamwidth.org/3317.html. I like to feel that I filled two prompts with this: Reasons I love my identity and A time I was glad I was aro (If you can call the last year and 8 months 'a time'). 
I'm still getting used to this site so forgive me for not giving links for any of the terms. 

Warning: I do mention stalking, sexual harassment and romantic harassment, but I don't go into any details. 

 

Aromanticism: My Sword and Shield

I guess I can still claim to be a new aromantic. After years of floating around the edges of LGBT+ spaces and never finding myself fitting anywhere until I found enlightenment less than 2 years ago. Once I found the term Aromantic I voraciously read other people’s experiences, definitions and discussion while the grey fog in my life rolled back and angels sang.

In the beginning…

I would say I had a fairly normal childhood for a middle-class white girl whose family straddled the country and the city. I was given dolls, including a Bride Barbie, but I was horse crazy. I read stories of adventure, courage and friendship where regularly characters paired up towards the end. I got bruised playing sport, sunburnt at the beach, got stung by bees and learned how to climb trees.

Then one day when I was 12 I was asked out. To me it was totally unexpected. I froze in fear and pain, it felt like the boy had just punched me in the ribs. I said no and ran off. If he had in fact punched me I knew what I should do, but this? I had no clue. And so the grey fog of confusion started to roll in.

High School made it worse. I learned some romantic coded activities gave me psychological pain (being asked out being the worst) and some lovey dovey public displays of affection made me physically ill, not to mention my complete befuddlement at sexual relationships having to be ‘legitimised’ by saying they had decided to go out, and were thus boyfriend & girlfriend for those 4 hours at that party.  

There was no romantic censorship at school. Romantic entanglements were expected and encouraged. Yes, we even had a red rose delivery service on Valentine’s Day. So I would find myself regularly bombarded yet helpless. I tried opting out, as much as possible anyway. I became friends with the academic overachievers, the still-mostly-in-the-closet gays and the kids from strict households. They were my buffer most days and I will always be thankful for all those conversations that never devolved into relationship gossip. Ultimately though the grey fog was thicker than ever and it still felt like a punch in the ribs I could never stop.

The Middle

University wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There were so many more people, so many more things to do, and so many more things to talk about. If relationship chatter crept into the conversation I found I could easily divert it by mentioning marriage laws (someone was always eager to show how supportive they were of popular LGBT+ issues).

This is probably a terrible statistic to be happy about but I was sexually harassed much more than I was romantically harassed, and it was such a relief! Sexual harassment was instantly disapproved of and my friends would be supportive. The few times the harassment got physical there were many support services and ways of making complaints to hold the perpetrators accountable.

Romantic harassment was a different matter. If I complained about someone asking me out my friends would end up interrogating me or dropping the conversation into confused silence. I felt alone in my problems. Even when a group of us had an honest conversation about creepy behaviour and we discovered more than half of us had had experiences with stalkers of different intensities I still felt alone because all romantic overtures felt like threats to me (we all did feel pretty helpless though because there is much less support or protection from stalkers unless they make direct threats).

Light at the end…

I do believe the pen is mightier than the sword, and discovering aromanticism gave me the vocabulary I needed to finally explain or defend myself. The concepts I had not been able to define, the ideas I had not been able to articulate burst onto my screen with glorious new words: Aromantic, Amatonormativity, Singlism, Queerplatonic, Romantic Attraction, Romance Repulsion. Best of all I found the community. I was no longer alone.

Discovering amatonormativity was a revelation, it seems ever present in our romance obsessed society, but now I can identify it, fight it and reject it. Now I don’t feel fear in the face of romance, though it still hurts when it takes me by surprise. When friends question my actions I can enlighten them because I know myself better and I feel the support of all the other aros out there whose experiences I had read. I hope that bringing these words and ideas to my friends allows them to think of a different future for themselves, one where they might be happier, regardless of their romantic or sexual orientation.

I have the stability of knowledge. I have the clarity of understanding myself. I have the vocabulary to communicate. I have the support of knowing I am not alone.

I am happy. I am aromantic.

 

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