Carnival of Aros February 2022 Round-up!
Mar. 1st, 2022 09:39 pmAs a reminder of what this is all about here is a link to the original call for submissions and here is the main Carnival of Aros site where all previous round-ups and current events can be found.
Aro by Design: Building, Maintaining, and Nurturing Communities
aroace_auncle: I don’t mind expanding, though I don’t have any sort of blog.
Dabney: I'm participating in the Carnival of Aros, community questions :)
Ettina: Community for Me or my Baby, Not Both
Mesotablar: We are the Builders
Mundo Heterogéneo: My lack of specifically aro communities
Roboticanary: Carnival of Aros: Community
Sildarmillion: Frustrations with a community
We are the Builders
Feb. 28th, 2022 10:57 pmThis is my entry for February Carnival of Aros which I was hosting :)
The topic was 'Community'
We are the Builders
Communities might have buildings or spaces where they happen. They might have logos and mottos and flags. Gatherings, advertisement, events, vocabulary, celebrations, rhetoric, songs, information, symbols and statistical data.
But without individuals they are nothing.
Community is the connection we feel to the people around us. Even on the internet, if my word pixels can be next to your word pixels; If I can read experiences, thoughts and opinions then I know that there is a person behind those sentences, then we are connected. You share with me and I share with you. This is both a very fragile and a very powerful thing. In the best of times it can bring healing and empowerment! In the worst of times it can undermine your sense of self and make you feel hunted.
We as individuals make the choice to make our communities supportive or restrictive, welcoming or not.
I count myself as lucky to have discovered aromanticism and found that I can join in the ranks of all the other wonderful aro-spec people out there. By the nature of things, I only have a connection to my aro community through virtual spaces, and for me those virtual spaces have been places of empowerment. I try to give back the bounty you all have gifted to me by sharing your knowledge, experiences and opinions, of offering your connections.
I have found communities to belong in on Arocalypse, Dreamwidth, Wordpress, Tumblr, DeviantArt, Reddit and LiveJournal, even on AO3! In tiny blog posts and in sites that boast members into the hundreds. I have found stories like mine and those that are different, and with each of those stories I see an individual with a life, and my world becomes a bit richer.
But I know through pain of experience that to tie my identity to one community is a great risk, so in almost all of the places I feel I belong I use a different name. I don’t mean to be duplicitous, I just fear to be singled out and cut off from the people, the communities, that have given me so much self-awareness and healing.
I guess my little message for you dear readers is please keep striving to find new places to connect and treasure the communities you have found.
This is just the first few coins of the treasure that is out there, but here is a linkspam to give you some new places to explore:
For the Visual and Readers:
Agressively Arospec
A Carnival of Aros (list of round ups from previous months)
Agressively Arospec Week AO3 Collection
Arospec Fanworks Week AO3 Collection
Aromantic Writing Month AO3 Collection
For the Commenters:
Arocalypse
r/aromantic
r/aaaaaaaarrrrro
For the Makers:
Gen Freeform Exchange
A Carnival of Aros
Aromantic Official
Aro Worlds Tumblr
AUREA Create Pride
Link to another linkspam:
ysabetwordsmith's Follow Friday: Asexuality and Aromance special
The Aromantic and Asexual Characters Database
It's February, and time for a new instalment of Carnival of Aros! It's a monthly blogging event that highlights aromantic and arospec experiences. Visit the main site here.
The theme of this month’s Carnival of Aros is “Community”
February is when many people celebrate Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (21st - 27th) and I was hoping we could share our thoughts on communities. I’ve made some prompts but feel free to take this topic anywhere you want to go with it!
- Is your community interaction only online or is it also in real life?
- Are you planning to find/join a real life community this month?
- Are you part of a small community you want more people to know about?
- Is your community supportive or is it letting your down?
- Does your community celebrate or have an event you want more people to participate in? Perfect time to advertise!
- Do you think communities are important?
- What is the best part(s) of the communities you are in?
Ripple Effects
Jan. 9th, 2022 11:07 amRipple Effects
Dwelling on what could have been is an exercise in pain and futility, but it is also where my mind goes when I think of intersectionality. I think the interaction between my different aspects of identity allowed me to fall into the in-between spaces, so I never fit anywhere (until recently).
I worked out I was ‘other’ at the time crushes became the topic of choice between girls. For a while answering ‘no one’ was accepted but after a few years the denial became noticeable, and socially unacceptable.
Yet when I found out about asexuality I rejected it. What was described by those few early brave asexuals who put themselves out there didn’t describe my experience. In hindsight I realise my nebulous sexuality and raging aromanticism actually cut me off from a community that could have probably helped me with my sense of place in the world.
Being diagnosed with a chronic condition didn’t help with my sense of belonging, but it did give me an excuse to avoid all questions about myself that I could not answer.
Why don’t you date? illness.
Why don’t you like anyone? Too tired from illness.
Do you have a crush on a celebrity? Too distracted by illness.
Inflating the effect my condition had on my life made it take up more room in my head, gave it more importance and influence than it probably deserved (well, at least after it was controlled, stable, and I stopped having hallucinations).
My self-esteem took many hits in the following years. Taken advantage of and belittled, made to feel broken and purposely provoked. Like the butterfly effect, I have no idea how those things have spiralled to change who I grew into.
And I was grown. I was mid-20s when I discovered a community I felt I belonged to.
If my aromanticism hadn’t been so strong I might have found a place in the talking-about-love asexual community of the time. If my sexuality had been less ‘active’ in my teens (I totally blame hormones) I might have discovered aromanticism earlier.
If I’d found a community for support I believe I would have been able to protect my vulnerable questioning side from the attacks it suffered from peers in those ensuing years. Or at least realised enough to stop putting myself in those situations.
I am probably quieter, less trusting, more of a reader, more self-aware and self-reflective than I might otherwise have been. I’m also now very good at seeing red-flags and microagressions. I am scarred but stronger, my romantic orientation and sexuality were my weaknesses but now they are my strength.
The Mine Field
Dec. 21st, 2021 11:54 amThe Mine Field
Baby talk gets on my nerves and makes me nauseous. Thankfully, when a couple do it it is generally seen as an extreme public display of affection and is socially frowned upon where I live. It makes me ill when people do it to animals and kids, yet society is less offended by that.
I am more sickened by it.
For me baby talk is romance-coded.
It is one of the few things that is unequivocally romance-coded for me. Many other actions and activities I see as neutral vessels, only becoming romance-coded if there are romantic intentions behind it.
Friends can hold hands and kiss and go out together for candlelit dinners and take walks on the beach at sunset and buy a house together and sleep together. Intimacy is not romance-coded,
but I know for some people it is.
I have been on the sharp end of a reprimand when three of us were rolling around and laughing in the grass of a public park. Our censor didn’t even have the excuse of thinking us a wlw polyamoury partnership doing PDA, they knew us, we had thought them a friend, they would have been welcome to join our rolling joy. But no, out intimacy was threatening. Not -understandable. Must be stopped.
I feel this is where the aspec community conflict over ‘romance’ content is. One group sharing experience while another doesn’t understand or is threatened. The side they take may switch with each new issue or activity.
If its true love is a battlefield, then the romance-coding of actions is the personal minefield we planted and expect others to respect. We try, oh, our intentions are good, but the mines are hidden! If they are there at all…
I say I am romance neutral because most of the time it doesn’t bother me, because simply I just don’t see it.
I say I am romance neutral because most of the time it doesn’t bother me, and the things that I am repulsed by I can count on one hand and easily recite the location of my mines.
- Baby talk
- Feeding each other
- Lip-to-lip kissing without prior mutual verbal consent*
*Ah, another way we aromantic are let down. Stolen kisses between ‘friends’ or ‘potential love interests’ that do not contain an element of sexual contact are an assault dismissed as trivial.
The Differences Between Us
Nov. 30th, 2021 03:25 pmThe Differences Between Us
This month’s topic is incredibly interesting. I discovered a label that very easily applies to me and my experiences, so here I am to introduce myself as a non-limerent.
I Stopped To Rest
Sep. 29th, 2021 07:58 amI Stopped To Rest
To be or not to be...an International Aro Space
Carnival of Aros June 2020 Round-up
Jul. 2nd, 2020 12:53 pmYou can find out more information about the carnival and past topics here. Don't forget to keep your eye out for the future topics too, or maybe even host a month yourself.
The June 2020 Carnival of Aros submissions - 'Most Precious'
Neir gives us a poem
Sennkestra gives us a perspective on friends
Magni gives us one (aro) ring to rule them all
That's all and thanks everyone for submitting! Don't hesitate to comment here or on Arocalypse for name changes or broken links.
To Laugh
For this month’s carnival of aros I want to share some of my favoured humorous content, from knock knock jokes to wholesome pics. (And because I can’t help myself I wrote about why I think it is important too.)

Knock Knock Who's there A Roman A Roman who? Aromantics! | There once was an Aro named Clyde Who was cornered by a zealous bride. Demanding grand gestures of love, Dozens of roses, chocolates and a dove. While Clyde would rather just hide. | Knock Knock Who's there? A mat A mat who? Amatonormativity! |


(The humour in this one is the colour association to the Madagascan Lovebird)
The Carnival of Aros is a month-long recurring blogging festival where aro-spec bloggers on different platforms make posts about a particular theme. More information on the event and past themes can be found here. (carnivalofaros.wordpress.com/about/)
The theme of this month’s carnival of aros is “Most Precious”
This month is focusing on the positive things people can find being aro-spec and asking them to share it. For some people there can be heartache associated with coming to terms with being aro-spec, while for others it is a great relief. This month I am asking you to single out something that you treasure about being aro-spectrum. Take a photo, draw a picture, write an article or tell a knock-knock joke. Just take something you find precious and share it with us so that we may also appreciate it…and maybe even learn from it.
Some possible prompts:
- Write about conversations or experiences you found valuable or empowering.
- Tells us some jokes, puns or funny stories.
- Share your memories about a Pride Parade/Aro Awareness week/club meeting or finding out about something in aromanticism that helped you.
- Explain (or just list!) the songs, media or characters you love.
- Show us your favourite aro icons, designs, images or pride swag.
Entries for this Carnival of Aros topic are due by end of day on June 30. To submit your entry, you can either leave a comment here with a link or you can send the link via email to mesotablar@gmail.com.
If you don’t have a blog of your own or want an anonymous entry, you can also just email me a copy and I am happy to host it here with credit or anonymously (Just tell me in the email).
The DIY Aro: Food
May. 26th, 2020 01:18 pm
Serve still warm or at room temperature.
Females Love
Mar. 31st, 2020 12:03 pmI always seem to end up talking about amatonormativity...
Females Love
My gender matches my biology. Because I had no conflict or dysphoria I just accepted it when I was young and grew with it. I take it for granted most of the time. Specifically: ‘my gender’ is barely ever in the forefront of my mind as it is so fused with my own sense of self.
However there have been many moments where I was forced to feel less than female. From about the age of 8 love changes its meaning from describing family connections to budding romantic hopes. The experience of growing up as a girl is like swimming in a river, where all the solid ground is ‘love’. People start expecting you to show interest, and assume it is a forgone conclusion that you will eventually find yourself washed ashore into first love. Loving family is taken for granted as everyone, parents, teachers, friends, all start anticipating that you will begin making tentative steps in making romantic connections.
Love becomes a constant presence bordering life. Love is the topic of many conversations. Girls pester each other with questions about romantic interest. Parents begin setting out rules of engagement to control the access boys have to their daughters. Celebrity crushes become a way of judging and sorting classmates. The popular media; books, shows, music, movies, is generally centred on love, and popular media is the centre of at least half of all the conversations.
Sure there are those that reject certain mainstream influences, like me, but there was no escaping the flow of my cohort or the expectation of my own inevitable falling in love. As more and more girls around me fulfilled those expectations I was left more isolated. Love is what girls seemed to do, so what are you if you don’t fall in love? Not a girl? Not growing up as you should? Not human?
Media had told me over and over again that romantic love is intrinsic to the female experience. Yes, it is all terribly binary, girls love and boys fight….though the binary assumption after puberty for boys becomes a different four letter F-word. That was just the environment I was raised in. Feminism and strong female role models were present, women can do the same jobs as men for the same wage, women don’t need to become baby machines, women don’t have to cook. All good stuff, but underlying gender and human stereotypes were not contradicted, they weren't even thought of. Girls love, it is just what happens after you hit puberty. First the growing pains that keep you from sleeping, you grow an inches in your sleep. Then your chest swells and you start wearing training bras, preparing you for the torture device underwire bras. Then the period arrives with very little warning, expected yet unexpected. Then boom! First love. Okay, maybe not immediately but definitely within 10 years. Definitely.
It seemed all the adults in my live automatically assumed love would be part of my teenage years so there was a watchful anticipation in the background of most conversation and interaction. It was continuous and unpleasant. My lack of interest in love connection singled me out amongst my friends. It made me feel sub-optimal. I wasn't fulfilling one of the core essentials of being of the female gender. I was a failing, I was less than truly female.
The many uses of the word ‘love’ helped confuse matters. I love that show. I love that band. I love that actor. Love your body. Love your neighbour. I love what you are wearing. I love your hair. I love you.
There was a disconnect somewhere for me and the (only partially effective) outlet I found was being a tomboy. I rejected femininity even though that is what I am most comfortable with just because the feminine package seemed to be soaked with love. Tomboyishness did not last long. I always felt too female to be constrained in those clothes and I didn't fit in with the other tomboys. So I didn't fit with the girly girls, I didn't fit with the tomboys, and as the years rolled by and the cliques were all corrupted by dating couples I was left further and further outside my own understanding of what it is to be female.
I've lied to make my history fit more along the lines of a standard female experience. I've been given reassurances about dating. I am older now and the expectant eyes have gotten bored, and after finding out about aromanticism I am much more comfortable in my own skin. Before aromanticism no one had ever said it is okay not to date. No one ever said it is okay to remain single. No one ever told me friends are enough for some people. No one ever said that romance is not intrinsic to the female gender.
Well, it is okay not to date. It is okay to remain single. Friends can be enough. I am female. I am aromantic. Aromantic women are legitimately female.
Friendship Sprouts
Aug. 27th, 2019 09:02 pmFriendship Sprouts
Amatonormativity Made Vows Attractive
May. 28th, 2019 11:29 amAmatonormativity Made Vows Attractive
As a generalisation I would like to say that I grew up on a street with a church at each end, and my family ignored both.
My views on religions are inconsistent, vague or undefined.
But I always found something alluring about nuns.
I grew up with the usual pop culture influences of children born in the 90s. Barbie and Ken were still a big thing. There were few strong solo female role models, let alone ones not interested in romance (were there even any?). I bought into the whole idea of partnering up and getting married.
Because of my entire family’s ‘lapsed catholic’ status I never saw marriage as a religious thing, it was a life thing.
You are alive, so you breathe and eat, move and sneeze, blink and fart, sleep and get married.
Even if you didn’t ‘get married’ you sure had to get engaged for at least 5 years. Long engagements or a shotgun wedding are the only practices found in my family history. Remaining single is a privilege of those who die young.
So I figured I had to get engaged and/or married. As I grew I found the idea of marriage more and more distasteful. Then I found out about nuns. Women married to Christ. I had found an out. I could get married and fulfil that life expectation yet not be romantically linked to another human!
Luckily I grew up about a 10 minute walk from a convent (and a 5 minute drive from a monastery) so I could investigate and actually talk to Sisters. I met some great people and the idea of dedicating my life to love and helping others is very alluring.
Being a greysexual the vow of chastity would be no issue. Vows of poverty might have been more of a sacrifice because I was raised on stories of how much my family lost in WWII so from an early age I became obsessively protective of the few family heirlooms we have (incidentally most of them are religious in nature) and the vow of obedience is in itself not much of an obstacle. I happily live within defined boundaries, my willingness to live within a box is proving itself as I contemplate this form of consecrated life as a way to fulfil the expectation of life: born, marry, die.
But
I grew up outside the church. Jesus is just a name to me. God can be plural. My holy trinity is the Rainbow Serpent, Tiddalik and Tjirbruki. Maybe if there had been an indigenous Sister I would have been reconciled, but there wasn’t so I wasn’t.
I am more aware now that at that time I was trying to find a loophole to expectations, but now I am knowledgeable enough to just reject the expectations. I have the greatest respect for women who take the vows and I think I will also always have a tiny curious envy of their contemplative, helpful, spiritually love filled lives.
Coming Out
Apr. 16th, 2019 08:22 amOne of the prompts was for coming out stories, so that is what I have done. I am not out to many people and so I shall veil my experience in the magical shroud of a fairy story to protect all those involved (‘Cause some of my friends were horrible at that time, though they are mostly better now that they understand more).
Trigger Warnings: Mention of suicide. May contain Amatonormativity and nuts.
Fun fact! These are not my most Aphobic friends.
( Click here for The Tale )( Click here for The Tale )( Click here for The Tale )
Aromanticism: My Sword and Shield
Mar. 5th, 2019 07:27 pmI'm still getting used to this site so forgive me for not giving links for any of the terms.
Warning: I do mention stalking, sexual harassment and romantic harassment, but I don't go into any details.
Aromanticism: My Sword and Shield
I guess I can still claim to be a new aromantic. After years of floating around the edges of LGBT+ spaces and never finding myself fitting anywhere until I found enlightenment less than 2 years ago. Once I found the term Aromantic I voraciously read other people’s experiences, definitions and discussion while the grey fog in my life rolled back and angels sang.
In the beginning…
I would say I had a fairly normal childhood for a middle-class white girl whose family straddled the country and the city. I was given dolls, including a Bride Barbie, but I was horse crazy. I read stories of adventure, courage and friendship where regularly characters paired up towards the end. I got bruised playing sport, sunburnt at the beach, got stung by bees and learned how to climb trees.
Then one day when I was 12 I was asked out. To me it was totally unexpected. I froze in fear and pain, it felt like the boy had just punched me in the ribs. I said no and ran off. If he had in fact punched me I knew what I should do, but this? I had no clue. And so the grey fog of confusion started to roll in.
High School made it worse. I learned some romantic coded activities gave me psychological pain (being asked out being the worst) and some lovey dovey public displays of affection made me physically ill, not to mention my complete befuddlement at sexual relationships having to be ‘legitimised’ by saying they had decided to go out, and were thus boyfriend & girlfriend for those 4 hours at that party.
There was no romantic censorship at school. Romantic entanglements were expected and encouraged. Yes, we even had a red rose delivery service on Valentine’s Day. So I would find myself regularly bombarded yet helpless. I tried opting out, as much as possible anyway. I became friends with the academic overachievers, the still-mostly-in-the-closet gays and the kids from strict households. They were my buffer most days and I will always be thankful for all those conversations that never devolved into relationship gossip. Ultimately though the grey fog was thicker than ever and it still felt like a punch in the ribs I could never stop.
The Middle
University wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There were so many more people, so many more things to do, and so many more things to talk about. If relationship chatter crept into the conversation I found I could easily divert it by mentioning marriage laws (someone was always eager to show how supportive they were of popular LGBT+ issues).
This is probably a terrible statistic to be happy about but I was sexually harassed much more than I was romantically harassed, and it was such a relief! Sexual harassment was instantly disapproved of and my friends would be supportive. The few times the harassment got physical there were many support services and ways of making complaints to hold the perpetrators accountable.
Romantic harassment was a different matter. If I complained about someone asking me out my friends would end up interrogating me or dropping the conversation into confused silence. I felt alone in my problems. Even when a group of us had an honest conversation about creepy behaviour and we discovered more than half of us had had experiences with stalkers of different intensities I still felt alone because all romantic overtures felt like threats to me (we all did feel pretty helpless though because there is much less support or protection from stalkers unless they make direct threats).
Light at the end…
I do believe the pen is mightier than the sword, and discovering aromanticism gave me the vocabulary I needed to finally explain or defend myself. The concepts I had not been able to define, the ideas I had not been able to articulate burst onto my screen with glorious new words: Aromantic, Amatonormativity, Singlism, Queerplatonic, Romantic Attraction, Romance Repulsion. Best of all I found the community. I was no longer alone.
Discovering amatonormativity was a revelation, it seems ever present in our romance obsessed society, but now I can identify it, fight it and reject it. Now I don’t feel fear in the face of romance, though it still hurts when it takes me by surprise. When friends question my actions I can enlighten them because I know myself better and I feel the support of all the other aros out there whose experiences I had read. I hope that bringing these words and ideas to my friends allows them to think of a different future for themselves, one where they might be happier, regardless of their romantic or sexual orientation.
I have the stability of knowledge. I have the clarity of understanding myself. I have the vocabulary to communicate. I have the support of knowing I am not alone.
I am happy. I am aromantic.