Apressexual: Why is it different?

[mesotablar]

I have heard it said that generally people feel several attractions together. Their attractions are not separable as they flow organically from each other. Apressexuality in its basic definitions is only experiencing sexual attraction after another form of attraction is felt. So you feel some sort of attraction then sexual attraction shows up. Most people probably feel it that way so why do we have a word for something that can probably just be assumed in heteronormativity? Or any sort of normativity…

Not even the person who coined Apres- seems to have done so for sexual attraction, rather they coined it in terms of being Apresplatonic.


When I was questioning I was searching for a label or at least some indication that my experiences were not unique. I stumbled upon Aromantic and it explained so much! but there was a blank spot because ‘Aromantic’ does not cover the basic attraction that had brought me back searching LGBTQIA+ sites again, sexual attraction.

I probably would have been okay just identifying as Aromantic. And for the most part I do. In online spaces however where discussions get technical and nuanced within the a-spectrum communities I tend to use both the Aromantic and Apressexual labels.

Maybe so that people don’t assume I am ace.
Maybe so that people don’t assume I am allosexual.
Maybe to acknowledge that other attractions besides sexual and romantic can be important too.
Maybe to see if I can find others who use the same label so I can hear how they use it.
Maybe, because it means a blend of attraction I am happiest using the label to acknowledge the blend rather than just letting ‘a blend’ be assumed.

The bottom line is I don’t like separating out my attractions. I don’t experience them as separate. They are all steps on the same path, and the path is paved with Aromantic stones. That said, I can identify them as different when they occur (using hindsight and lots of thinking comparisons) and isolate them to discreet incidents (because they aren’t constant, or even common).


When it happens:
I guess it comes close to those descriptions of love at first sight (which totally isn’t ‘love’ by the way). I see or hear the person for the first time and it is there. Generally sensual attraction, things to do with the senses; looking, touching, hearing or tasting (….let’s just ignore smelling).

I become hyper focused on them to the point where the rest of the world fades out. I get fixated on the part of them that attracts me. It is like an irresistible lure BUT there is no guarantee that sexual attraction will show up HOWEVER I have only ever felt sexual attraction to someone in the wake of these other feelings (while my Aromantic-ness goes into overdrive which makes me more sensitive to things I perceive as romantic) Though in the moment everything just feels like one big ‘more’.

I don’t think they are suddenly great people.
I don’t suddenly trust them.
I don’t even need to know their names.
I don’t think about them when they’re not around.
I can’t be friends with these people. I find them much too distracting.
^{(Have you seen the movie Upstream Color? For me, these people are disfigured by being made of the sun)}

Thankfully the attractions are rare, less than an annual event, so I don’t get distracted like this all the time. Though their rarity might be why I haven’t developed a defence against them or coping mechanisms for when they happen. I just get sucked along by the experience. When I need it to stop I have to remove myself from their presence. Luckily I can use the initial feelings of mindless fascination as a warning, so if the situation or person is unsuitable, inappropriate or more than mildly disgusting I can get myself away before the attraction has a chance to progress (thought there is always the chance that it will not end up including sexual attraction, which is more of a once every 5 years event). Though of course there have been a few situations where I couldn’t escape and was stuck around someone who affected me.

I am not Asexual because I can and have experienced sexual attraction, but my experiences don’t line up with what most Allosexual allies say. I can use the Greysexual label quite happily, but then some people want specifics about how/why/when _{(which are legitimate enquiries when people need help in their own questioning process)} and to describe my experience I end up basically writing out an expanded definition for Apressexual. The label exists so why not use it when I feel it matches my experiences so well?

It is a micro-label. A micro label that seems to consist of a population of ONE, me (drop me a line if you use Apressexual too! or if you are questioning it!). Having a label allows me to be vague about my experiences. Sure, I may have to explain the label or how I relate to it but I find that much more comfortable than continually typing out very personal experiences that may or may not help anyone anyway.

I found an accurate word so that is what I am going to use.
_{(until someone works out an easy way to blend romantic and sexual orientation language)}